I NEED TO VENT....

If you read this blog purely for cancer updates or awareness for other cancer you may want to leave this one out because I've got an anger inside of my and I need to get some things out!!

RIGHT... Where to start...

It's about people who have children and don't appreciate them.
This is not about young parents because the stigma along with young parents being the ones who are bad parents is false, in every way.

I know of women who are closer to 40 than 30 and they spend the majority of their time on facebook complaining about their children, MOST of these woman are complaining about the behavior of their children. Now obviously I'm not a parent yet and I have no idea what it's actually like to discipline a child but I know for damn sure complaining about it to facebook isn't doing a damn thing to help, if anything your 14 year old is going to see it and get more wound up, they will rebel, I know because I was 14 once.

Women who complain about stretchmarks when they're pregnant and how much weight they have put on during pregnancy, and it's not just once that they say about it, and it's the women who aren't doing a thing to try and shift the weight. Obviously, none of us know what goes on behind closed doors, that's a big thing especially with subjects like this and I am in nooooo position to say about posting a lot on social media, however, and excuse my francais here but...


A child is fucking blessing and the sooner you realise that the better.
Some women have the right to bare a child taken away from them, and YOU, who didn't even 'mean' to get pregnant in the first place (I put mean in '' because let's be honest we all know how babies are made and if you're doing it you know there's a chance, about time everyone sat up and fucking accepted that) are doing nothing but complaining about your infant for the world to see. 

Children are hard work, they are, but you NEVER give up on your children, because let me tell you feeling like your parents don't care is the WORST feeling in the world, it is heart breaking, as a parent you are genetically programmed to forever be there for those small people who grow inside of you, YOU made the conscious decision to have this baby weather they're 5 or 45 if they need someone you should be first in fucking line to take their hand and take on the world together. Every day, 24 hours through hell and high water.

I have got myself so worked up over this and I could sit here and go on all night but I won't because it will be longer than my Leukaemia blog post. 


I'm going to end this here but just know, if you're a parent and you're reading this, tell you children you love them, RIGHT NOW!!! Tell them how lucky you feel to of been able to have them, maybe tell them the story of how they were conceived, they don't need to details of the deed but if it's lovely, tell them! Tell him you will always be there for them... But here's the most important message of all-

MEAN IT.

Relatable Sisters...

Do you know what? Sometimes you just need someone who knows what you're going through to talk to. Everyone in my life is so supportive and if I need them they're there, however, I'm quite good at hiding how much pain I'm in or how upset I am sometimes so it doesn't seem like I really need them but today American Susie had a chat with me about how I was feeling, she too is 'suffering' from Ovarian Cancer. 

Susie found out 14 weeks ago that she is pregnant, I have met so many people on my journey that are suffering from Ovarian and we have all been given a 'timeline' so basically all of us, when we were diagnosed were either told 'okay this is how long you have to have a baby' or 'actually we're really sorry but your chances of having a baby naturally are so low now' 
Some of the women have been told there's absolutely no chance aswell which is so sad, I was really lucky with mine that they just gave me a timeline and a few options and we work through things and take everyday as it comes. Being a mother is one of the things I have always wanted I don't know weather it had something to do with being the oldest sibling and the oldest cousin or what but I've always felt very maternal.

One of my first thoughts when I got diagnosed was 'Shit that's it I can't have children' but I do have options and I'm so thankful for that. HOWEVER, it has put a massive strain on my personal life knowing that there's a particular time line for things, however, the support I have is so incredible I know I can do anything, I'm basically superwoman hehehe.

So back to American Susie, I feel like Pam from Gavin and Stacey when I say that you know she has names for people like 'Big Fat Sue' and 'Step Brother John' hahaha, she is literally amazing, her and her husband have always wanted children, however Susie was told she only had 6 months to fall pregnant with a safe pregnancy before they unfortunately had to remove both her ovaries. Now I feel a bit pants writing this because I'm not completely clued up on how it works I only know about my own situation I did ask Susie quite a lot of questions but even she is a bit like 'I have no idea how this works but....' So she was told she had 6 months to try and conceive naturally or they were basically pulling the plug on the whole operation, she wasn't allowed to freeze her eggs because her body wasn't allowed to accept the hormone injections you need prior to the eggs being removed.

So they went home and brought lots of things such as: (If you're trying to conceive maybe this will interest you)

• At home sperm kit from boots (To check her hubbys sperm was healthy -She figured they better check that quick otherwise they could try for months and then realise it was him which would be sad! 

• Ovulation Calender - I had no idea these existed like you can BUY calenders to work out when your body will be at it's most fertile time.
• 'This Thing' - (I am going to quote this because... well you'll see) "There is this thing you can buy with loads of pictures of discharge and mucus on it and it shows you what mucus means you're fertile and what means you've missed it and just what it all means so you don't have to scare yourself on google or keep phoning the doctor"- I'm going to leave that there, no comment.
• Folic Acid- a small 1 a day B Vitamin it's an inexpensive vitamin to take whilst you're trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy to help with foetal development (check me out I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about) 
• Ann. Summers. - Again, enough said.

And literally 5 weeks later she got a positive pregnancy test!!!! Now she's got the CUTEST baby bump it's so cute like... AHHHH! We're making bets at the hospital weather it's a boy or a girl- I'm thinking girl FOR DEFINITE- Although, as a team we have got names for EITHER WAY!

I find it so amazing that they didn't just say to her no sorry you're done they really took every option into consideration and I really don't know if the NHS would've done this 

(This is private healthcare) 

But, we don't really know that so I won't comment anymore on that!

I'm so happy that from this horrendous illness I've got so many positive- I tweeted the other day saying 'Cancer means my life will never be the same again' but I don't think that's a negative thing, WHEN I beat this I will be stronger, I will be kinder, I will be more mindful to other peoples journeys and their struggles and I would've opened the door to myself, I've really had to spend time working on myself through this and I really think it's worked for the better!


CHEERS MY LOVELIES, HERE'S TO THE FUTURE!

Smile everyday because... well, we're bloody lucky to be here.

Determination...

Right, for the last couple of days I've been feeling really sorry for myself and today I decided I've had enough!!
I was helping a friend move into her house and I was thinking about moving and working and money and I realised how determined I am to get my career back on track and have a nice house and have children and watch them grow up.

When I first got diagnosed I was so unaware of the repercussions of treatment, I carried on working for a year all the while doctors and nurses are saying 'quit quit quit it's too much etc' and I just carried on, it wasn't until my cancer spread and my treatment got more intense that I physically couldn't get out of bed that I had to quit, my work were more than understanding and massive shout out to Ian if you're reading this, you were so understanding for so long and I really hope we can work together again in the future.

I got to a point in my life where I was finally happy with everything, I loved my job, like literally loved it I loved everyone I worked with and every aspect of my job I finally felt like I found somewhere I loved! I loved my car, which I've now had to sell, I loved everything I did in my spare time I spent so much time with friends and family. Okay so don't get me wrong my new car is nice and I still see friends and family which is literally amazing but I am soooo missing working, I'm doing a degree in Business Management but it's not work... It's not seeing people and getting dressed for work and doing paperwork and all the things people hate and take for granted on a daily basis. 

So yeah, I guess I've now got to a point where I've got my fight back.

I want to tell you a bit about my day on... Wednesday because I felt like Wednesday was truly lovely. I actually got about 4 hours sleep Tuesday night which is more than I normally get so I was feeling FRESH!! I met my friend Lawrence at 11:30 (he was literally like half an hour late though because he's useless) and it was amazing, I haven't seen him for so long but it was like we'd only seen eachother the week before, we were so close at school he was like my brother so it was lovely to see him again! We also realised a photo we found had been taken EXACTLY 4 years before the day we met-

Then met my friend Aiden, it was his birthday and he was a bit unhappy so I wanted to make the day special, we went to town and got him his first ever BURRITO! Was literally amazing, you know Aiden and I are close because I ate a burrito in front of him, imagine me with guacamole around my face rice on my forehead and shredded beef hanging out the side of my mouth! 

NICEEEEEE!!

Then we went to my house for chats with my grandparents and I sung Happy Birthday to him with a candle in a doughnut-

Then I dropped Aiden back home for a bit whilst I went back to my old dance school for a couple of lessons, it was literally amazing to watch them all, so nice to see my Dance Teacher and everyone who are always a support to me even though I left about 6 years ago! 

Made me think about my competing days and I found this photo from 8 years ago when I came first and moved up a grade I was BEYOND excited! 

After dance I went back to get Aiden and we went for a drive dancing and singing to old school songs having a real laugh then we went off to go to the cinema to watch Fury, I continued to fall asleep on Aidens shoulder for the first half an hour of this man film! Then took Aiden home and went home to relax! 

It was such a lovely day filled with lovely memories and some of my favourite people who do nothing but make me smile it's another one of my reasons to have my fight back!

I am now led in bed watching X-Factor, candles lit and I'm doing a little facial treatment as my poor face is really taking a beating from my treatment- think super dry and spotty and you're on the money!

Please continue to support my blog, share share SHARE, tweet the link and instagram or whatever your tipple is, tag me in it! I would be so very grateful! 

Also, 41 Days until my headshave, if you would like to come to my Charity night where my head will be shaved just give me a message and I'll give you details, please also let me know if you have anything I can add to my raffle or Auction off!

Thank you to everyone who has already been so helpful!!


Smiles and Kisses to everyone,

Leukaemia...

This is a really hard post for me to write, not only because there's a really special little girl I know that is having a really hard week because of this terrible terrible illness.  
She is such a brave little angel who took the time to answer some questions for me which I will write up shortly. 
But also, because 2 friends of mine that I went to school with were also diagnosed, seriously, that's 3 people I know of including myself that have been diagnosed with cancer from my school, my year, they need to get that school checked for un-exploded bombs or something haha.  Joking... But seriously! 

Anyway, this one was harder because when I was chatting to 'Leukaemia Lucy' (that's what she calls herself) I watched as her mummy sat next to her and hung on her every word, and how every answer affected her, there were tears, from both of us, there were smiles, from all of us and one of the nurses even got involved for a frozen sing a long! 

Right so let's get into it, First thing you should know about Little Lucy is that she LOVES Frozen, her friends have told her she's too old to like it, but she loves to sing and she loves to dance and we're always doing mental dances together and when we spoke about my blog she told me 'someone from my school was picking on me for singing frozen and said it's a baby program, right.... so I said, my friend Charlie is 20 and she sings it so it's COOL'

Made me feel great, she thinks I'm the best thing ever haha, I'm making that face that's on the iphone emojis.... 

THAT one hahaha, okay so that's normally used for sexual stuff but... I'm digging myself a hole now, it's meant in a cocky way so just take it like that, yeah? 

So, When I asked Lucy and her mummy all about her Leukaemia, I suddenly felt like I opened a can of worms because there is actually a lot of different types of Leukaemia, which I didn't know at all!

Lucy has Acute Myeloid Leukaemia 

Her symptoms were:

• Sudden drop in weight
• Pain in hips
• Belly pains
• Bruising everywhere, just had to be touched and a bruise would appear, school suspected abuse at home which upset mum a lot.
• Dizziness
• Nosebleeds
• Temperature

Charlie: "Lucy, what affected you the most about being poorly?"

Lucy: "I couldn't go to school, or go out with friends, I was on a lot of pain killers so I forgot where I was all the time. I had to shave my head and a girl at school pulled my wig off at lunchtime. But I thought, she bullied me before so it wasn't because I was bald but just because she is a nasty girl and she would always find something to pick on me for. I don't like seeing mummy upset when I'm in pain either"

(At this point mummy started to cry, as did I because she just thought me a bloody life lesson, the point she made about the bullies was so true and so mature and adult for her)

Charlie: "Wow, Luc you're such a brave girl! Do you feel like you have enough people to help and support you?"

Lucy:" The doctors and nurses are all very nice and I speak to a helper lady a lot (counsellor) and I have a teacher at the hospital she's nice too. My big sister looks after us too, well she tries to make mummy smile mostly."

(Then we agreed I would be her big sister aswell because in Lucy's words 'what's another little sister to my list') 

Charlie: "Do you have any advice to other poorly children?"

Lucy:"I don't know, I think be brave and be nice to nurses and sleep a lot!"

(I totally agree haha)

Charlie: "How are you finding your treatment"

Lucy: "It's okay, it just hurts sometimes or I just want to go to sleep but you've just got to let it go"

Okay so now we've started singing Frozen, obviously, I was Elsa, and we absolutely went on one and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, the little faces she makes are amazing she's so dramatic, she's definitely a star in the making! 

We chatted on about school and how she loves to perform and how much she wants to go to Alton Towers and how she had a boyfriend but he was her best friends, best friend on snapchat so that's all over now- I got some advice about how she gets so many likes on instagram- the tip? "HASHTAGS" hahaha. 

The type of cancer Lucy has is Acute Myeloid Leukaemia-

Symptoms:

• Pale Skin
• Tiredness
• Breathlessness
• High Temperature
• Excessive Sweating
• Weight Loss
• Frequent Infections
• Unusual Bleeding
• Easily Bruised Skin
• Flat red or purple spots on the skin
• Bone and joint pain
• Feeling of fullness or discomfort in tummy

Diagnosis:

• Scans
• Lumbar Puncture
• Genetic Testing

If you would like a little read, here's a link to an NHS page: 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Leukaemia-acute/Pages/Introduction.aspx

RIGHT- Now a little chat from a different perspective, my friend James was diagnosed November 2010, I had a little chat with his mummy to try and get it from another point of view because as I said before when one person has cancer, the whole family do! 

I thought this would be beneficial. 

So- meet Lou!!! 

Charlie: "When James was diagnosed what were your first thoughts?"

Lou: "It was the 15th of November 2010, 1. no no no no 2. I'm numb 3. I can't take this away 4. So scared 5. What's in HIS head 6. What do I say to him 7. Breathe"

Charlie: "How did family life change after James' diagnoses?"

Lou: "Everything changed, I had to stop work, we were living in hospital, for 6 weeks, backwards and forwards daily after that, no money, meals and routines out the window, institutionalized! Shit got real!"

(I am a blubbering mess writing this because bloody X-Factor is on and that Italian matey is singing One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston and this story makes me sad!)

Charlie: "When it all 'sunk in' what steps did you take in order to get James better? Besides the immediately obvious hospital treatment?"

Lou: "James was an inpatient so the hospital 'took over' 100% and took control, which I was glad about. We could only support him, be there, and try to keep him as comfortable as possible during treatment, and keep things as 'normal' as possible during this time... For example taking him to a golf course for an hour,going for lunch if he was well, getting his friends to come round! The talking bit is not easy though when they are a closed book."

Charlie: "I remember you were in around Christmas how was that?"

Lou: "It was horrible! James was allowed home Christmas day but back in on boxing day for an emergency MRI and CT scan he spent Christmas Day afternoon in bed and everyone else tried to act 'normal'... It wasn't normal and I hated it (and them!) and everyone at hospital feels sorry for the 'poorly kids' at Christmas... fake, jolly... f##ked up! I mean, yes, well intentioned, okay to pretend with the younger kids, but for me nothing was different."

Charlie: "Do you have any advice to other mummys?"

Lou: "To other Mums I would say 'there's nothing I can say' Hang in there, be strong and just be there for your child, not all are talkers but that doesn't mean your presence isn't needed, I was told during James' treatment his eyes would follow me everywhere, if I wasn't in the room he wanted to know where I was and when I was coming back, so although he didn't need to talk to me, he still needed ME there." 

I just want to say a MASSIVE thank you to Lou, it can't be happy to talk about the start again but they've all dealt with it so well, Lou is one of them people that will always make time for you, if I ever seem upset on Facebook I'll have a comment or inbox from her with advice, or asking how I am or just making me smile. So thank you Lou, for all that you do!

Check me out, rhyming ;)

Right, next I chatted with my friend Harry (my little buddha) We didn't do a proper question and answers thing he just sorted of re-answered my questions from Lou! Which was actually perfect because you can see the same things from the different views!

1. First thoughts

Harry: "Did I hear that right? Basically a blur after the word 'Leukaemia' for a good few hours. When I finally realised, just more a case of how I can best get on with it, didn't even cross my mind to dwell / get down about it."

2 Family Life

Harry: "Brought everyone a lot closer. Only really spoke to very close family members before, suddenly everyone pops up with nice messages wishing you the best, really helps. Made me really appreciate family for the first time in my life, rather than taking it for granted"

3 From my perspective...

Harry: "The most important thing for me was that I needed other people to help me with the most simple of things. Everyone wanted to come see me at the same time, when I was only allowed 2/3 visitors at a time, so people to help with organisation of that. I needed people to understand although I was pretty relaxed and ok about things most of the time I wasn't always 100% and I would have bad days. Also needed people (mainly mum and dad) to keep track of days, progress, dates, times of next treatments. Just really small things that all are hard to get your head around and remember when your on intensive chemo."

4 Christmas

Harry: "Yeah Christmas was shit for a year, being honest. I had excruciating mouth ulcers so could hardly eat ( the thing I look forward to most about christmas) I had no energy, so slept most of the day, and I was only let out for the afternoon (12-7). Again though in a weird way, makes you really appreciate life/Christmas since."

5 General Advice

Harry: "Its hard to advise on anything like this, everyone is different and deals with things in different ways. I have always tried to find the best of a bad situation, I make light of the bad times and just get on with it, for me thats made everything a lot easier. I can understand that for some people this is almost impossible to do, however its the way I dealt with it and would recommend it to anyone else if possible. At the end of the day, the truth is you cant change anything, why not tackle it head on and enjoy life where you can along the way."

The fact that Harry did that for me WHILST IN HOSPITAL makes me love him so much more, he is an amazing admirable person (sorry just stole your word there as I don't think I've ever used the word admirable before but I love it now) I agree with what he said, 'you can't change anything' so why not embrace the situation?

It feels amazing to get people I know involved, I love it, it's making me get so much closer with people!

Here is some information about ALL which is the type of Leukaemia that James and Harry have:

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia

Symptoms:

• Easily Bruised Skin
• Pale Skin
• Unusual and Frequent Bleeding eg bleeding gums or nose
• Feeling tired and breathless
• Having repeated infections over short amount of time
• High Temperature of 38C or above
• Night sweats
• Bone and Joint pain
• Swollen lymph nodes (glands)
• Abdominal Pain
• Unexplained weight loss
• A purple skin rash

Diagnosis:

• Bone Marrow Biopsy

"To confirm a diagnosis of acute leukaemia, the haematologist will take a small sample of your bone marrow to examine under a microscope.

The haematologist will use a local anaesthetic to numb the skin over a bone – usually the hip bone – and then use a needle to remove a sample of bone marrow. You may experience some pain once the anaesthetic wears off and some bruising and discomfort for a few days afterwards. The procedure takes around 15 minutes to complete and you shouldn't have to stay in hospital overnight.

The bone marrow will be checked for cancerous cells and – if found – the type of acute leaukaemia will be determined at the same time."

A number of other tests including- CT scans, Chest X-Rays, Lymph node biosies and plenty of blood tests! 

Here is a link to an NHS webpage if you would like a little read- 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Leukaemia-acute-lymphoblastic/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Bloody hell, if you've read down to here, you're a trooper, thank you SO much.

Please share this blog, I'd be so so happy if you did because do you know what, we might save a life! It's a massive thing to say but we really could, what if someone if having these symptoms but hasn't acknowledged them as a problem? 

Thank you everyone for your support, 

Lots of Love to you all,

Personal Use...

I haven't blogged in what feels like ages although I know it was only 6 days ago.
One of them reasons is I feel like I've received more negativity than I thought I would, as I write this I sit with a tight knot of anxiety in my belly and that's all I've had for the past few days, I've had multiple panic attacks and I considered not writing my blog anymore even though I've been talking to some absolutely fantastic people in preparation for a blog I was supposed to write a couple of days ago. 
I knew on some level that I would receive some crap about writing this I knew the 'attention' comments would be thrown around and I thought I was ready for it, but honestly, I wasn't. 
I'm not writing multiple status' complaining because I've got a snotty nose I've been told there's a possibility of dying at 20 years old. 

I'm sorry to be blunt but I feel like those negative people will still be reading this, and they need to know, you DID get to me, you really did. I considered not doing this anymore but now I think, so you know what- SCREW YOU!

I have got SO MANY positive, supportive incredible people in my life you are simply irrelevant now. 
I did feel I needed to write a status... 

Then I got so many lovely messages again it made me feel better.

Then 1 negative person turned into 2, then 3, then that's when it really got to me because I started to keep it to myself. 

I'm really trying not to let them get to me and honestly whilst I've been writing this my anxiety knot in my tummy has started to fade, this blog really does help me!

People need to realise that I really am not writing this blog 'for the attention' or 'using my illness' or anything like that, I'm putting a lot of work into trying to raise awareness, there is a lot going on behind this blog in planning aswell, I'm proud of all of that and I want to help people! 

Okay so first moan out of the way onto the second, MOUTH ULCERS- Ugh! These things are literally a pain in the bottom! It is like Satan has laid small devil eggs in my mouth!

I was really sick today, treatment has made me pretty poorly I'm feeling much better this evening though! 

Kept my room really dark today and the fan was directly on me, TV was off and I just led in bed thinking about so many things it really helped me relax and clear my mind a bit. I really think everyone needs that sometimes, some time away from the world even for an hour, just turn everything off and lay there in silence and just think! 

51 Days until my headshave! It could not come quick enough although I'm sure I won't be saying that on the day, a friend of mine has agreed to film the event itself so hopefully that will be put on the blog! I say it could not come quick enough even if I did freak out the other night and kept my friend Eloise imprisoned in the lounge crying about loosing my identity forgetting the bigger picture!

I'm over that now though! *cringes*

I'm getting a PERM on Friday at my Aunties salon where my friend Kim works and that day they are 'standing up to cancer' which is so amazing and I'm so happy to be going in that day if any tries to sit down... I'll... Well, I may take a whip! ;) 

I guess that's all today for my personal blog I'm going to make a start on my next awareness blog which is all about LEUKAEMIA! 

I'm going to see Ed Sheeran today so I'll be happier! hehehe.

Lots of Love to everyone, sorry to family and friends that have had to deal with me!

Testicular Cancer...

Alright, no pressure, it's my first blog about a specific cancer since I wrote about my own!
As I previously mentioned it will be about Testicular Cancer, after chemo today I went and spoke to 'John Smith' who is someone I met a few months back in hospital, he was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer and here is a small chunk of his story!

John is a 32 year old male with a wife and 2 children, of ages 7 and 5.

Charlie: "Okay John, let's start with how were you diagnosed? What were your symptoms?"

John: "I had no idea about Testicular Cancer to be honest and I didn't know a lot about other cancers either, no one in my family had ever suffered so I had never been exposed to it before, one day I was taking a rare shower with my wife (winks and laughs) and ermmmm she noticed a small lump.... in.... my balls! HAHA I ignored it but she was concerned, she did a LOT of googling and I brushed it off thinking it was a blocked sweat gland or something like that, told her to stop being dramatic and went on about my life for weeks, maybe even a couple of month. I then got a really bad bug and needed a couple of days off work it only lasted a day in the end but the fatigue lasted a couple of weeks after, concerned, I went to the doctors because it started to effect my ability to play with my children, he put it down to my bug and sent me away. A further two weeks passed and I ended up feeling a really tight heavy feeling.. down there, so went back and they sent me straight into the general for blood work and further tests, I stayed in over night and the next day they told me I had cancer"

John and I then chatted for a while about how he was originally sent away much like I was and how we can see why it was done.

Charlie: "What has effected you most about your diagnosis?"

John: "The look, that look people give you when you tell them, like you've just told them your cat has died and you're 5 years old. I understand that it's hard for people to hear, people never understand though, what it's really like until they hear the news from a doctor saying it's you that has it. But also telling my children, telling my oldest daughter was so hard because she seemed to crawl into herself, she's old enough to use the computer so we needed to monitor her more then than ever because she would read things that were open from my wife's research and not understand it so that would make her worry more, it was awful to watch. She also told some of the children at school and came home and said 'Amelia said Daddy's going to die' and I can't sit there and promise her that I won't, THAT is the hardest thing"

Charlie: "Do you feel like you've received enough support from the NHS?"

John: "If I'm completely honest, no. That sounds so selfish aswell because they're giving me the treatment I need to beat this but the support side of it is severely lacking, my wife, the rock that she is has found me the support groups, which yes, being a man I refuse to go to. But the NHS need some volunteers to come in, and chat to people, actually, what you're doing now is really helping, do this full time!" 

Charlie: "What advice would you have for other men that aren't aware of the symptoms as you weren't?"

John: "It sounds weird but listen to your wife, seriously, she reads about this sh*t in cosmo magazine she knows! Don't be afraid to go to the doctors there is a stigma with going to the doctors and it's ridiculous, you don't need to check in on facebook and let everyone know you're there do you? If she looks at a lump and says 'you should get that checked' even if it's just for her piece of mind, do it! They worry a lot more than we know sometimes and why would you want to put the love of your life through that?
Some people catch it too late and that is sometimes through sheer laziness of not getting checked for months on end. GET. CHECKED."


John was absolutely fantastic, we chatted on for a long time but it has no particular structure, he mentioned a charity called 'Ballboys' that raise awareness and also aim to provide support to cancer patients which I think is where we are really lacking, we are all for raising money and standing up to cancer meanwhile cancer patients have to kind of 'get on with it' we don't always want to rely on our family for support because if you have cancer so do your family, it's hard on everyone around you, I know it's hard on the people close to me because they have to deal with my moaning! haha.

Here is a link to Ballboys page, have a read! http://www.ballboys.org.uk/

Symptoms: 

• A lump or swelling, could be the size of a pea or larger
• A dull ache or sharp pain in your testicles or scrotum *see above diagram if you aren't sure ;)*
• A feeling of heaviness in your scrotum that John mentioned
• A sudden collection of fluid in your scrotum
• Fatigue
• A general feeling of being unwell

Diagnosis:

• Physical Examination- this may be what you guys are most afraid of, someone touching round your area! DON'T BE AFRAID- They are most likely to hold a small light or torch up to the lump and see if light passes through it, clever huh?
• Scrotal Ultrasound- this too is painless!
• Blood test- okay so I used to be scared of blood tests but I've had that many now, if you are worried about blood tests (male or female this applies to) ask to be led down, the nurse won't mind I promise, close your eyes and count... yes, sounds weird but just count, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Prevention:

• There is not really a way to prevent testicular cancer but just make sure you check yourself regularly, in a warm shower or bath, check both testis about once a month, hold your scrotum in the palm of your hands and examine your testicles using your finger and thumb! 

Well, that's all from me on that subject, I know that 'John' is reading this so I just want to say, thank you so much for being my first patient, good luck with the rest of your journey and it's bittersweet that I will only see you once more at chemo, look after your beautiful family and take care of yourself! 

Family First...

I spent the weekend just gone in Weymouth with 3 of my sisters and my dad. We had an amazing time and I couldn't of asked for a better weekend, one of the days we sat in and just talked, for most of the day we played this game with a wet flannel where one of us would ask the other a question and if we got it wrong we'd get a wet flannel to the face! 
Although it was a really good weekend I did feel sorry for my youngest sister, because she's 6 and so buzzing to do everything so fast and she always wanted to get up for the party dances in the evening and the sister that's the next in age is 14 so unfortunately she's at that age where she's too cool to get up and do that, then the next age is 16 and she only had access to the outside world in the clubhouse so was catching up with people which meant it was me who got up with her (the others joined in eventually) and I'm there with my world class poker face doing agadoo thinking jesus christ I can literally feel my hip crumbling! (Okay exaggeration but the pain is intense) 

I deserve an Oscar for the smiles I put on to be honest and my best friend tweeted and said she hates people who feel sorry for themselves and I know it sounds like that's what I'm doing but I think it's mostly because as I said in my last post it's only just really hit me. 

So a bit of personal use for this blog- I'm getting to the point now where I just want my head shaved as my hair is not my pal at the moment! My pain is alright at the moment I suppose even though it still throws me that it's in unusual places, obviously I have the pain in my belly that is really bad most days but then I have these pains in my ankles and my right hip and my wrists! I've started doing yoga before I go to bed I'm literally shaking my head at myself because, yoga? Seriously? So I'm no yoga expert and I really don't do it properly it's a bit more like, stretching my body out and calming myself down, bit of breathing slowly and it has started to help with my sleeping. Though if anyone has any advice for sleeping soundly whilst in pain I would really appreciate it! :*

So I started writing this blog this morning, then left it to go about my daily life, had a really REALLY down day today which has left me awake at 1am thinking about how annoyed I am at myself.
Tomorrow is a new day because today I went a met someone who is one of the most important and stable people in my life, this person and I have not always been close, infact, we were the complete opposite of close a few years ago, but now I can't imagine a day going by without her, she is a listener, a shoulder, an expert at hot water bottle refills, a hilarious pal, a fellow friends lover and just all round my soldier (private joke) so today I turn up with the most disgusting, depressed look on my face and she just KNOWS. She just sat there and listened to all my shit and I'm not joking within 10 minutes of talking about some pretty serious stuff, I'm laughing... I mean, really?
It's not even like, that forced laugh you do when you're trying to cover your upset? It's the laugh you do when you realise not being alone in things mean they aren't as bad as they could be.

SO, returning to my previous point tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow (today) is actually an exciting day for me, so I am going to try really hard to have a genuine smile on my face and be thankful, because I am a very very lucky girl, I have amazing friends, incredible family, I have money in my bank, a roof over my head and food in my belly (oh christ, now I'm hungry so I'm clearly lacking with the food part) I am going to try really hard at this even if I do know I will fail multiple times and I am going to be honest about my failures on this blog, because if I'm not honest on here what is the point?

I'm still receiving amazing messages from people which just makes my heart feel so full, warm and makes me feel incredibly loved.

So my positive happy thought of today is:

I saw my friend and she has given me this epiphany to make everyday count! I'm reading through some online forums and to be honest, they are helping. It's reminding me I'm not the only person in the world with this and I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself because, quite frankly, it's boring.

I have cancer, it's not my life, it's just a part of it. 

Also, side note, if you don't like me, yet have read this far on my blog, could I just ask that you aren't a bellend about it? Please only read this if you care or you're interested, I really hope I don't have anyone as my friend on facebook that is not my actual friend, one of the reasons for this blog being published in the first place is because I don't want any false information being discussed, you know EXACTLY what's going on if you read this, so if you're just being nosy that's FINE! Just no negativity please! 

Ed Sheeran is currently playing in my room and just... well, come on, it's E.S- I'm feeling GOOOOOD!

My next post will be about a specific cancer and the first one I will post about, as requested by my Daddy will be Testicular Cancer, there is a gentleman I've met on my hospital travels who has this cancer so I'm going to do a bit of faux journalism with him and make it nice and personal WITH the facts!

Fingers Crossed! 

My Nanny will be picking the next cancer so she better get ready! ;)

Lots of Love to you all, 
Smile and be grateful and thankful for all you have,

It's A Reality Now...

I know this probably sounds strange but I don't think the reality of how serious this disease was really set in until I went to bed yesterday evening, I received an uncountable amount of messages from people- family members who weren't 100% certain about what was happening, people I went to school with and haven't spoken to in years, strangers I don't even know messaging me telling me how 'brave' I am and how much of an 'inspiration' I am, okay so I've put those words in quotations because I'm not feeling them at the moment, I am proud of myself for posting the blog and getting it out there because I have had a couple of messages saying I've already helped people with whatever personal things they're going through. That obviously makes me feel amazing but I'm not ready for the inspiration stuff yet- I haven't raised enough money or awareness for that yet!

I would like to take the time now to thank everyone who read my blog and messaged me, please share it!

I'm going to start writing about the people I meet on my journey because I'm always talking to other patients who have incredible stories and I'd love to share them with you, I've also decided to post a lot more about different cancers, dedicate different posts to different cancers to back up my 'awareness' side of things!

Firstly though, I need to use this for personal use, I've woke up this morning with the worst pain in my hip, when my hip hurts it's so strange because I never had pain there before it really knocks me for six because when you're led in bed you feel nothing, I get up and basically just fall back down- yeah, have a little laugh there picture Charlie trying to get out of bed about 6 times and then just end up sat on the bed cry laughing, I crawled to the lounge and sat eating a chocolate orange!

I feel much better now I've had all my tablets though.

Getting these weird pains is really foreign to me though, wrists and ANKLES??? WTH. 

I really want to talk to someone else with Ovarian Cancer like, everyday. Be like 'Have you kept your hair up in a tight french plait for 3 days because you don't want to see the hair falling out? Yeeeeeeeah me too'

I've got to go and see my nurse in a minute but I'm sat on the sofa writing this, eating MORE chocolate watching Tia and Tamera- 'AVE A WORD CHARLES.

Oh, forgot to mention, if anyone watches Made in Chelsea Binky's mummy tweeted me-

Also, Peter Andre retweeted one of my new twitter friends-

Peter was my first concert performer, I was really young and the ticket was £16 it was a surprise trip and I will never forget it! We're basically best friends now!

Anyway I'm going to go and get ready now because I feel like a sloth I have people to see today, thank you for reading!

Kisses!

The Beginning...

Need to breathe properly just to start with!

Had my godmother come to my house the other day to discuss the Skydive we're doing to raise money for Cancer Research and she encouraged me to properly explain my situation and WHY I've chosen to raise money to Cancer Research and why now.


So, here it goes.

When I was 15 I moved out of my mums house and in with my grandparents, I'd been quite poorly for a while with a lot of abdominal pain and fatigue, after a few trips to the GP they put it down to stress with my home situation and GCSE's etc I had already been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder so me having these 'crazy' outbursts where I'd be screaming in pain they decided to put down to an 'episode'.

But a year down the line, I was studying at college and finding it really difficult as I was in so much pain a lot of the time and had all these symptoms which made it really difficult to get through the day. 

So after going back and forth from the GP and getting diagnosed with 'random' things such as IBS and having multiple Kidney Stones they finally diagnosed me with PCOS- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome 

(Here's a link if you want a bit of a read)

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

So once this was diagnosed I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders it had been almost 2 years since the pain had started and I finally felt like we were getting somewhere. I was prescribed with some strong pain relief for me to take as and when the pain hit me and I was having counselling to try and ease some of the stress.


However, 8 months later I was still really struggling, I had so much time off college poorly that I had to drop out early, I felt so down, like I was completely failing at life, nothing was working.

One day I went and saw a consultant after I'd had a series of tests and he explained to me the possibility of cancer. This word massively scared me and I instantly just thought 'I'm going to die'


At this time my cysts were really playing up, swelling and bursting causing me absolute agony on a daily basis, by this point not only had it affected my education it was affecting my social life too, I couldn't go out much because I'd either be really anxious of pain starting or I'd be in pain trying to hide it (trying to hide pain in public kind of leads to you being a snappy t*at and I ended up getting in a lot of arguments) NOT GOOD.


I felt like no one understood, I was so confused and felt like I had been completely left in the dark, they carried on with tests and I carried on spending everyday in pain. 


I carried on like this until August 2012 when they finally ruled out cancer.

They decided to send me to lots of different specialists to explore all different things down in my belly and try and pin point where the pain was actually coming from. 

Then in July 2013 they did a Laparoscopy which is keyhole surgery to have a look inside your belly, they were checking for something called Endometriosis 

(Another link for a read)

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/endometriosis/Pages/Introduction.aspx

They didn't find any Endometriosis but they did find rather a large tumour, they took biopsies of my cysts and the tumour and I was told they were cancerous.

They found many cancerous cells too.


I am still fighting against Ovarian Cancer which no one knew about, not even really close friends, until very recently, and some of them still don't know now. (So I'm sorry if this is how you're finding out but please message me if you have any questions)

Friday 15th August 2014 after I'd had a small operation on the Wednesday my doctor told me there's not a lot more he can do for me at the moment as my tumour is sticking to my bowel making it difficult.


Treatment has already blitzed my left ovary of cancer and I'm very hopeful that it will eventually do the same to my right. 

I’m still having chemotherapy and unfortunately my hair is now starting to fall out, I’m leaving little party favours wherever I go of clumps of hair (always laughing at this trying to make light of the situation) which means I will be shaving my head soon- my wonderful Auntie Gemma has suggested her shaving her head with me at our charity night to raise more money for the charity.

I’m not allowed to work full time at the moment so planning all these things for the charity is giving me something positive to do with my time, I’m hoping that through all of this negativity the positive at the end of it is that we have, together, raised a significant amount of money for CRUK!

I don’t only want to raise money though, I feel like raising awareness is also as important, not only with ovarian cancer but all of them, for men, women and children, it’s important we all know the warning signs and that no one is afraid to go to the doctors, because if I hadn’t continued going back time and time again I might not know now that I have a tumour growing inside.

I am now trying to do all the things I've always wanted to do- Starting with a Skydive with my godmother Andrea-


https://www.justgiving.com/charlie-annie/


If you could donate I would be eternally grateful! 

Also, finally telling my story, trying to make peace, not wasting anymore time on negativity and arguments and immature feelings. Just doing what truly makes me happy!


I've started writing a bucket list and I'd be grateful for some help with ideas-

If you wrote a bucket list what would be the first 3 things on your list?


I'd love to hear!

This has been really hard for me to write but I'm going to start writing this blog through recommendation of other patients and my nurse I guess it will just be a place for me to air my thoughts and feelings and I suppose a place for anyone who cares to come and see how I am? 

Aaaaaaaaand breathe... 


Lots of Love, Smiles and Well Wishes.