A Million Thoughts...

This post will probably be all over the place but there's a lot of things I need to say.

So this blog is about cancer, obviously, the title gives that all away.
I've never thought to express my feelings about mental health, but today, tonight, I have that feeling.

Mental Health issues are such a 'taboo' subject, no one wants to talk about it, let alone ADMIT to it. 

The only way I can describe my feelings sometimes are like a well, a well that you throw coins into and make a wish? Yep, one of them, I'm in the well, holding on everyday to the top of the well, most days my grip is strong, I have friends and family holding me up and helping me out, then maybe one day I can't see my friends and family anywhere, there's no help to be seen, I'm just holding me there, all by myself. For one second I loose myself and forget that it's only me holding on... and I lose my grip, I let go. 
I start to fall down the well, slowly... Saying it's happening slowly is so important because if I hit the ground quickly, it's all over quickly, but the thing about this well, is it doesn't allow you to hit the ground quickly, it wants you to suffer.

On the way down the well, there are corridors, these corridors show you every bad decision you made in your life, every person who turned their back on you, every argument you had with someone you loved, every bad thing you said that you wished you could take back and every person you pushed away when really, all you needed, was their hand, to pull you back out of the well.

I've been lucky enough to be OUTSIDE the well recently, I'm out there hugging all my friends and all my family everyday, everyday there is someone 'holding my hand'.

However, some nights I'm alone, just me and my thoughts and my thoughts are NASTY sometimes, they talk me into being alone, they persuade me to climb inside the well.
You know when you sit at home on your own and start to over think things? You over analyse everything going on in your life? You feel like nothing is ever going to change?

I have made some horrendous decisions in my life, but then so have people around me, my childhood has affected my life every single day, because, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make a decision that's influenced by the change in my personality, caused by the way I grew up.

Compared to some people in the world I've been very fortunate and I'm very lucky I have a strong safety net in my grandparents, if ever I'm falling they're there to catch me, through everything. 

But Anxiety is such a personal thing and unless you've had anxiety you will never understand what it's like, to have this hand inside your body suffocating you, I found this image a long time ago and it really speaks to me.

I don't really know what else to say on this matter to be honest, none of my thoughts are structured and make no sense as there are a million rushing through my mind, most of which are worries. 

I just think everyone should be mindful of others, mental illness isn't something to joke about so many times people have said to me 'what's wrong you got bipolar or something?' and it's like YES!!! YES I HAVE AND IT'S FUCKING AWFUL BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW I RESPOND TO THINGS! I wake up every morning having no idea what mood I'm going to be in if I'm going to experience an 'episode' or if I'm going to spend the day crying, biting peoples heads off or buzzing around like a wasp on speed.
It's horrible and there is nothing I can do to change it.

By the way- the WORST thing to say is 'smile then, stop being so miserable'

I'll either cry or rip your head off.

So today I'm not going to say 'Smile' I'm going to say...

Embrace the mood you're in today and pay someone a compliment, it might change their WHOLE day!

Lots of Love,

Things That Make Me Feel Better...

This is a bit of an unusual blog post but I was messaged today by a lady I met last year at chemo, I haven't seen her in a long time as she moved away but she's really poorly at the moment and she wanted some advice for things to make her feel better and a bit happpier, and so I thought everyone wants that don't they? They want to feel relaxed and chilled and happy?!

I'm sorry boys but I don't really know what you'd do to relax, maybe play some playstation? haha but GIRLS! Read on and hopefully I can help.

Firstly, I have a nice shower, unfortunately, I don't have a bath in my house, we had it taken out and replaced with a wet room but I'd have a big bubble bath if I could with a nice lush bath bomb!

Straight after my shower I'll do all my face bits and wax my eyebrows!

After, I like to put some nice products on my hair, at the moment I'm using a hair serum from Aussie- "Dual Personality Shine + Coloured Hair Protection"
I just put a couple of pumps in the palm of my hand and work it through my hair, then get my tangle teaser and work through the knots! 

I got mine from ASDA as they regularly do 3 for £10 on Aussie products so I get Shampoo, Conditioner and this, I also have all the leave in conditioners! I'm a big aussie fan to be honest! However, if you're not an ASDA visitor here's a link to buy it online!

http://www.boots.com/en/Aussie-Dual-Personality-Styling-Shine-Coloured-Hair-Protection-Serum-75ml_52532/

Next up, I like to paint my nails, at the moment I'm trying to get into the autumnal feel so I went with a deep red sort of colour this colour is Barry M "273 Raspberry"

Okay so now I have to sit forever and wait for these to dry so normally I'm watching- Hollyoaks, Kardashians or FRIENDS. If you're going to make a night of it maybe put a movie on as soon as you get out the shower? 

So lately my skin has been really dry even though it was really dry beforehand, it's so much worse now, so I have some medicated creams to put all over my body but it just doesn't feel 'lovely' so at the moment I'm using a cream my nanny has been buying for years- "Vaseline Essential Moisture"

(Here's a link to buy from Boots)

http://www.boots.com/en/Vaseline-Essential-Moisture-Clean-Feeling-Lotion-400ml_2367/

It's a really nice moisturiser, it smells fresh and it soaks into the skin so well makes me feel all silky and beaut, the BEST thing is freshly shaved legs and this cream... HEAVEEEENNN! 

So that's my body all soft, I have a night cream for my face which I've repurchased 3 times now, it doesn't really soak into the skin and it feels quite heavy when you first put it on but that's what I love about it, when I wake up in the morning my skin feels so soft and prepped for make-up! It's a "Nivea Night Cream" 

http://www.boots.com/en/Nivea-Daily-Essentials-Regenerating-Night-Cream-For-Normal-and-Combination-Skin-50ml_851858/

I went and tried lots of different night creams a couple of years ago and didn't really fall in love with any of them enough to even finish them, but this one is perfect for me, if you've got dry skin I would really recommend it BUT THEN AGAIN, I have to split my week between two products to apply at night because even though I love that product I also LOVEEE face oil, it has done wonders for my face and I've nearly run out I'll DEFINITELY be repurchasing though!

http://www.boots.com/en/LOreal-Paris-Age-Perfect-Extraordinary-Facial-Oil-30ml_1440059/

Then onto the tootsies, for a few years I've been using "Soap and Glory Heel Genius" it's amazing, It's so nice to feel soft feet! Soaks in really nicely, smells good and the smallest amount goes a long way so a tube lasts a long time! 

http://www.boots.com/en/Soap-Glory-Heel-Genius%C2%99-125ml_872191/

I went to Boots today and there's LOAAAAADS of gift sets in there at the moment and a whole aisle of Soap and Glory so I think that soap and glory gift sets would make a really nice Christmas gift! (if you're looking for Christmas gifts for girls this might help, daughters, nieces, friends etc)

Okay then after all this my body is so soft I could... well I don't know what I could do but let's just say I'm feeling excellent. 

Whilst all this is happening I'll have a couple of candles lit- I've always loved Yankee and I have a tart burner- 

I always have sweet tarts, I love Vanilla Cherry and Vanilla ones but at the moment I'm burning a Christmas Cookie one, it beautiful. The idea with this burner is you unwrap the tart and place it in the top and you light a tea light underneath and the tart burns and releases the scent, if you want to change the tart just stick the whole burner in the freezer for 5 minutes and pop the tart out! 

So my evenings normally look a bit like this-

I know it's not a lot but it makes me happy especially with some chocolate or popcorn, you can just chill out and think about pampering yourself, then get an early night.

Speaking of, I'm going to go and do all of this now and watch a Christmas film because I'm absolutely buzzing about the festive season!

What are some things you do to chill out? I need to change my routine up!

Update...

Gosh, I haven't done a blog about me in a while, well it seems like a while anyway.

I've been pretty poorly lately, just been absolutely exhausted and worn out.
HOWEVER, I've been the receiver of brilliant news!

Now, some time ago the consultant explained to me about my tumour, the positioning and other factor of my personal insides (lady bits ya know) and said after my most recent operation we were at a bit of a 'dead end' there wasn't much they could do without really damaging my insides, they said I can carry on with treatment if I wanted or I could wait and 'see what happened'  I would still be on some form of treatment but to me that sounded like 'you can fight or you can give up' so of course I continued to fight and this was just after I had to leave work, which was a bloody good job because the new treatment really did knock me for 6 and that's where my hair problems got a lot worse.
This treatment isn't as regular so it's a bit disheartening when my hair falls out after treatment then I have a week and a half before my next IV treatment and by that time I feel better and my hair loss has calmed down, then it's back to it again. It's really up and down and to be honest with my bi-polar it doesn't help at all. My moods are already up and down (if you aren't aware about bi-polar please do Google it it's a mental illness that people kind of, see Kerry Katona at her worst and think that's what everyones like) so I don't need to extra stress on me, that's why I'm doing my headshave, I'm stepping in and taking control of my situation! I always have been a control freak.

SO, back to the brilliant news! I went to see the nurse last week for some results and she said that my tumour is SHRINKING! It basically gets attacked by the treatment as do all my cancer cells and they were amazed at the results. I got lots of praise which felt amazing but, a bit like I said in my first blog, I don't feel like it's necessary, I'm just fighting for myself, for my family, because I want to stick around and annoy them a bit more, plus bit morbid but my Nanny Vi would go bat shit crazy if I met her in heaven like 'Alright Nan, I gave up' you do NOT want to be on the bad side of that woman, TRUST ME.

That was last week, I was going to write a blog but I was just so so tired and worn out and busy I didn't have time. THEN, yesterday I went to the hospital for a scan and they gave me even more good news, my tumour has shrunk so much it's 'shifted' and it's partially removed from my bowel lining.
This is literally incredible news.

NOW I AM PROUD OF MYSELF


I simply have to be, I could've given up, it would of been so easy, treatment tires me out so much I could've just said, nope I don't want that anymore, nothing may of happen, but again, I took control and said nope, continue, I need this to work.

It all goes back to all the things I want from life, I really feel like I want too much from life to give up.

All the sickness and the tiredness is all worth it though because I'm on top of the world!

Thank you so much everyone for your support, you get me through everyday, I re-read your messages everytime I'm feeling down and it gives me a kick up the bum! 

Love you all so much!

Swyers Syndrome...

I had the pleasure of talking to the lovely Gemma about her condition recently, Gemma is the same age as me and dealing with daily struggles with a condition that doesn't have a 'quick fix' and like a lot of people she had to deal with this from a young age. 

I'll get right into it-

C: Right Gemma, can you tell me exactly what your condition is called and a bit about it?
G: "Well it's called Swyers Syndrome and there is no known specific reason as to what causes it. It's basically a malfunction in the body to do with chromosomes. As most people know girls are supposed to have XX chromosomes and guys are supposed to have XY but people with Swyers Syndrome tend to be girls with XY chromosomes but yet have female external and sometimes partly internal characteristics. It can cause all sorts of problems. The main problems are because the female has XY chromosomes, the gonads in general ovaries and testes don't form properly (they are known as streak gonads and have a high chance of becoming cancerous), and seeing as it's the ovaries that produces the oestrogen hormone, obviously none gets produced which stops the womb, uterus and breasts properly forming"

C: So does that mean you needed hormones to go through puberty?
G: "Yeah. I got diagnosed when I was 16 and I pretty much started on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) straight away. There's 5 stages of natural hormone production and my consultant tried to replicate this. The rough dose of oestrogen produced goes 2mg, 4mg, 8mg, 10mg and then 20mg over about 6 years- but as I was already 16 he halved the time length to 3 years. However 20 didn't work for me so he upped it to 30 and luckily my internal organs responded well (baring in mind I'd already had my ovaries removed). However the breasts didn't respond as supposed to I have to have corrective surgery known as breast augmentation"

C: That's horrendous to be going through that at such a vulnerable age, we definitely take that sort of thing for granted and expect puberty to happen... So what happens next for you now? Do you have to take hormones forever?
G: "Yeah it wasn't pleasant! One of the worst things was I used to get ripped into at school about my lack of breasts, which was humiliating and made me not want to do PE or to at least get changed in the toilets. I also used to get picked on because of my weight which can also be a side affect of the condition. Also because I hadn't started my period because of the lack of ovaries people-mainly friends- used to make fun of that. Urm yeah pretty much. I obviously can't conceive naturally so have to have IVF but because of the condition the success rate is a heck of a lot lower. I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to stop taking them, but I'll be on them for the foreseeable future"

C: That's horrible Gemma, bullying is bad anyway let alone when it's related to something you firstly have no control over and secondly, this is obviously something you're having to deal with at that age ANYWAY, without the bully's!
I know it's not great but at least you haven't had the chance of having children taken away COMPLETELY. So- the breast situation how has that affected you? As a woman?

G: "Yeah. It was horrible. I didn't even know I had the condition then so I had nothing to come back with so I kinda just felt like a freak. Yeah exactly normally people with this there's a very high chance that they'll never be able to hold a pregnancy due to the hormones not having the desired effect but fortunately I'm one of the few luckier ones.

Oh gosh, I hate it soo so much. Literally it's on my mind on a daily basis. It even affects intimacy in my relationship. I know I'm getting the corrective surgery (luckily being funded by nhs because of the rarity of the condition) but I still hate it so much. I'm so worried I'm going to get branded as fake or a slut or something because people don't know the reason behind it"

C: So, bit personal but what exactly are you working with there? Because I know so many people that have small or no boobs at all and they aren't bullied? Why you?...

G: "I guess because I was an easy target in school - I was a typical geek - was pretty quiet, didn't wear makeup or fuss with my hair or anything so people just apparently thought it was okay. It doesn't happen so much since I've left school mainly because I wear extra padded bras which again makes me feel fake etc but I just feel so unbearably conscious if I don't, like I can't even leave the house"

C: The main thing is being confident and if that means wearing 3 bras then WERK IT GIRLFRIEND! Your FRIENDSS??? What friends! It's disgusting that your friends who are supposed to be your safety net were the ones making you feel bad about yourself!

G: "Aw haha thanks! Yeah I know that now but I didn't really have any other people to talk to as I was too shy to make any other friends so I just put up with it."

C: Of course and unfortunately we can't go back and change things, but know now that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody is different and this is completely out of your control.

G: "Aw that means a lot to hear someone say that, I just wish I knew everyone else would be that understanding!"

C: What sort of size do you think you'll go up to and do you think after the surgery your confidence will improve?

G: "Oh I have no idea, I haven't had an appointment with a consultant yet, I don't want to go ridiculous size wise, I just want to feel comfortable in my body and actually feel like a woman! And besides it's not about just size, it's shape correction as well which is another reason I feel so conscious about it and I really hope so, my doctor and consultant think it will - it was my consultants idea for me to have it done as he knew how much it affected me, so I do really hope it does"

C: I'm sure it will as it seems that's what has affected you the most. Please keep me posted though I'd love to chat with you through your journey and see if after the surgery you feel different and how different you do feel!

Is there any advice you'd like to give to anyone else that may have this conditions regardless of how rare it is?!

G: "Yeah it definitely has. It was that and how partners would react about me possibly not being able to have children- or at least being able to conceive naturally. But yeah course I will!

Yeah basically just know you're not alone in the struggle and never let anyone use the condition as an excuse to put you down!"

C: Thank you so much Gemma, you've been fabulous!

Maybe you'll come back and do a video with me when you're feeling a bit more confident and we can squash them haters!!

G: Aw no worries, thankyou you for helping to raise awareness I really appreciate it! And if you do ever need someone to talk to about what you're going through feel free to pop up!

Ooh that's an interesting shout, if I feel confident enough I would love to!

I've been researching this condition all morning and it's so rare I'm finding it really difficult to find any information.

I think that just proves how rare it is, it's definitely not a condition to take lightly as you can imagine.

I genuinely sympathise with Gemma and it really does hit home that someone goes through something at a young age and people feel the need to bully them, it's disgusting and something that I don't feel will ever be resolved.

I'm sorry that I can't provide more information on the subject with things like symptoms like I normally do I just really can't find the information! As far as I've read it's just something that they find!

As always,

Smiles and Well Wishes, can't believe it's November already! Time to watch Christmas movies I think!