A Million Thoughts...

This post will probably be all over the place but there's a lot of things I need to say.

So this blog is about cancer, obviously, the title gives that all away.
I've never thought to express my feelings about mental health, but today, tonight, I have that feeling.

Mental Health issues are such a 'taboo' subject, no one wants to talk about it, let alone ADMIT to it. 

The only way I can describe my feelings sometimes are like a well, a well that you throw coins into and make a wish? Yep, one of them, I'm in the well, holding on everyday to the top of the well, most days my grip is strong, I have friends and family holding me up and helping me out, then maybe one day I can't see my friends and family anywhere, there's no help to be seen, I'm just holding me there, all by myself. For one second I loose myself and forget that it's only me holding on... and I lose my grip, I let go. 
I start to fall down the well, slowly... Saying it's happening slowly is so important because if I hit the ground quickly, it's all over quickly, but the thing about this well, is it doesn't allow you to hit the ground quickly, it wants you to suffer.

On the way down the well, there are corridors, these corridors show you every bad decision you made in your life, every person who turned their back on you, every argument you had with someone you loved, every bad thing you said that you wished you could take back and every person you pushed away when really, all you needed, was their hand, to pull you back out of the well.

I've been lucky enough to be OUTSIDE the well recently, I'm out there hugging all my friends and all my family everyday, everyday there is someone 'holding my hand'.

However, some nights I'm alone, just me and my thoughts and my thoughts are NASTY sometimes, they talk me into being alone, they persuade me to climb inside the well.
You know when you sit at home on your own and start to over think things? You over analyse everything going on in your life? You feel like nothing is ever going to change?

I have made some horrendous decisions in my life, but then so have people around me, my childhood has affected my life every single day, because, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make a decision that's influenced by the change in my personality, caused by the way I grew up.

Compared to some people in the world I've been very fortunate and I'm very lucky I have a strong safety net in my grandparents, if ever I'm falling they're there to catch me, through everything. 

But Anxiety is such a personal thing and unless you've had anxiety you will never understand what it's like, to have this hand inside your body suffocating you, I found this image a long time ago and it really speaks to me.

I don't really know what else to say on this matter to be honest, none of my thoughts are structured and make no sense as there are a million rushing through my mind, most of which are worries. 

I just think everyone should be mindful of others, mental illness isn't something to joke about so many times people have said to me 'what's wrong you got bipolar or something?' and it's like YES!!! YES I HAVE AND IT'S FUCKING AWFUL BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW I RESPOND TO THINGS! I wake up every morning having no idea what mood I'm going to be in if I'm going to experience an 'episode' or if I'm going to spend the day crying, biting peoples heads off or buzzing around like a wasp on speed.
It's horrible and there is nothing I can do to change it.

By the way- the WORST thing to say is 'smile then, stop being so miserable'

I'll either cry or rip your head off.

So today I'm not going to say 'Smile' I'm going to say...

Embrace the mood you're in today and pay someone a compliment, it might change their WHOLE day!

Lots of Love,

Things That Make Me Feel Better...

This is a bit of an unusual blog post but I was messaged today by a lady I met last year at chemo, I haven't seen her in a long time as she moved away but she's really poorly at the moment and she wanted some advice for things to make her feel better and a bit happpier, and so I thought everyone wants that don't they? They want to feel relaxed and chilled and happy?!

I'm sorry boys but I don't really know what you'd do to relax, maybe play some playstation? haha but GIRLS! Read on and hopefully I can help.

Firstly, I have a nice shower, unfortunately, I don't have a bath in my house, we had it taken out and replaced with a wet room but I'd have a big bubble bath if I could with a nice lush bath bomb!

Straight after my shower I'll do all my face bits and wax my eyebrows!

After, I like to put some nice products on my hair, at the moment I'm using a hair serum from Aussie- "Dual Personality Shine + Coloured Hair Protection"
I just put a couple of pumps in the palm of my hand and work it through my hair, then get my tangle teaser and work through the knots! 

I got mine from ASDA as they regularly do 3 for £10 on Aussie products so I get Shampoo, Conditioner and this, I also have all the leave in conditioners! I'm a big aussie fan to be honest! However, if you're not an ASDA visitor here's a link to buy it online!

http://www.boots.com/en/Aussie-Dual-Personality-Styling-Shine-Coloured-Hair-Protection-Serum-75ml_52532/

Next up, I like to paint my nails, at the moment I'm trying to get into the autumnal feel so I went with a deep red sort of colour this colour is Barry M "273 Raspberry"

Okay so now I have to sit forever and wait for these to dry so normally I'm watching- Hollyoaks, Kardashians or FRIENDS. If you're going to make a night of it maybe put a movie on as soon as you get out the shower? 

So lately my skin has been really dry even though it was really dry beforehand, it's so much worse now, so I have some medicated creams to put all over my body but it just doesn't feel 'lovely' so at the moment I'm using a cream my nanny has been buying for years- "Vaseline Essential Moisture"

(Here's a link to buy from Boots)

http://www.boots.com/en/Vaseline-Essential-Moisture-Clean-Feeling-Lotion-400ml_2367/

It's a really nice moisturiser, it smells fresh and it soaks into the skin so well makes me feel all silky and beaut, the BEST thing is freshly shaved legs and this cream... HEAVEEEENNN! 

So that's my body all soft, I have a night cream for my face which I've repurchased 3 times now, it doesn't really soak into the skin and it feels quite heavy when you first put it on but that's what I love about it, when I wake up in the morning my skin feels so soft and prepped for make-up! It's a "Nivea Night Cream" 

http://www.boots.com/en/Nivea-Daily-Essentials-Regenerating-Night-Cream-For-Normal-and-Combination-Skin-50ml_851858/

I went and tried lots of different night creams a couple of years ago and didn't really fall in love with any of them enough to even finish them, but this one is perfect for me, if you've got dry skin I would really recommend it BUT THEN AGAIN, I have to split my week between two products to apply at night because even though I love that product I also LOVEEE face oil, it has done wonders for my face and I've nearly run out I'll DEFINITELY be repurchasing though!

http://www.boots.com/en/LOreal-Paris-Age-Perfect-Extraordinary-Facial-Oil-30ml_1440059/

Then onto the tootsies, for a few years I've been using "Soap and Glory Heel Genius" it's amazing, It's so nice to feel soft feet! Soaks in really nicely, smells good and the smallest amount goes a long way so a tube lasts a long time! 

http://www.boots.com/en/Soap-Glory-Heel-Genius%C2%99-125ml_872191/

I went to Boots today and there's LOAAAAADS of gift sets in there at the moment and a whole aisle of Soap and Glory so I think that soap and glory gift sets would make a really nice Christmas gift! (if you're looking for Christmas gifts for girls this might help, daughters, nieces, friends etc)

Okay then after all this my body is so soft I could... well I don't know what I could do but let's just say I'm feeling excellent. 

Whilst all this is happening I'll have a couple of candles lit- I've always loved Yankee and I have a tart burner- 

I always have sweet tarts, I love Vanilla Cherry and Vanilla ones but at the moment I'm burning a Christmas Cookie one, it beautiful. The idea with this burner is you unwrap the tart and place it in the top and you light a tea light underneath and the tart burns and releases the scent, if you want to change the tart just stick the whole burner in the freezer for 5 minutes and pop the tart out! 

So my evenings normally look a bit like this-

I know it's not a lot but it makes me happy especially with some chocolate or popcorn, you can just chill out and think about pampering yourself, then get an early night.

Speaking of, I'm going to go and do all of this now and watch a Christmas film because I'm absolutely buzzing about the festive season!

What are some things you do to chill out? I need to change my routine up!

Update...

Gosh, I haven't done a blog about me in a while, well it seems like a while anyway.

I've been pretty poorly lately, just been absolutely exhausted and worn out.
HOWEVER, I've been the receiver of brilliant news!

Now, some time ago the consultant explained to me about my tumour, the positioning and other factor of my personal insides (lady bits ya know) and said after my most recent operation we were at a bit of a 'dead end' there wasn't much they could do without really damaging my insides, they said I can carry on with treatment if I wanted or I could wait and 'see what happened'  I would still be on some form of treatment but to me that sounded like 'you can fight or you can give up' so of course I continued to fight and this was just after I had to leave work, which was a bloody good job because the new treatment really did knock me for 6 and that's where my hair problems got a lot worse.
This treatment isn't as regular so it's a bit disheartening when my hair falls out after treatment then I have a week and a half before my next IV treatment and by that time I feel better and my hair loss has calmed down, then it's back to it again. It's really up and down and to be honest with my bi-polar it doesn't help at all. My moods are already up and down (if you aren't aware about bi-polar please do Google it it's a mental illness that people kind of, see Kerry Katona at her worst and think that's what everyones like) so I don't need to extra stress on me, that's why I'm doing my headshave, I'm stepping in and taking control of my situation! I always have been a control freak.

SO, back to the brilliant news! I went to see the nurse last week for some results and she said that my tumour is SHRINKING! It basically gets attacked by the treatment as do all my cancer cells and they were amazed at the results. I got lots of praise which felt amazing but, a bit like I said in my first blog, I don't feel like it's necessary, I'm just fighting for myself, for my family, because I want to stick around and annoy them a bit more, plus bit morbid but my Nanny Vi would go bat shit crazy if I met her in heaven like 'Alright Nan, I gave up' you do NOT want to be on the bad side of that woman, TRUST ME.

That was last week, I was going to write a blog but I was just so so tired and worn out and busy I didn't have time. THEN, yesterday I went to the hospital for a scan and they gave me even more good news, my tumour has shrunk so much it's 'shifted' and it's partially removed from my bowel lining.
This is literally incredible news.

NOW I AM PROUD OF MYSELF


I simply have to be, I could've given up, it would of been so easy, treatment tires me out so much I could've just said, nope I don't want that anymore, nothing may of happen, but again, I took control and said nope, continue, I need this to work.

It all goes back to all the things I want from life, I really feel like I want too much from life to give up.

All the sickness and the tiredness is all worth it though because I'm on top of the world!

Thank you so much everyone for your support, you get me through everyday, I re-read your messages everytime I'm feeling down and it gives me a kick up the bum! 

Love you all so much!

Swyers Syndrome...

I had the pleasure of talking to the lovely Gemma about her condition recently, Gemma is the same age as me and dealing with daily struggles with a condition that doesn't have a 'quick fix' and like a lot of people she had to deal with this from a young age. 

I'll get right into it-

C: Right Gemma, can you tell me exactly what your condition is called and a bit about it?
G: "Well it's called Swyers Syndrome and there is no known specific reason as to what causes it. It's basically a malfunction in the body to do with chromosomes. As most people know girls are supposed to have XX chromosomes and guys are supposed to have XY but people with Swyers Syndrome tend to be girls with XY chromosomes but yet have female external and sometimes partly internal characteristics. It can cause all sorts of problems. The main problems are because the female has XY chromosomes, the gonads in general ovaries and testes don't form properly (they are known as streak gonads and have a high chance of becoming cancerous), and seeing as it's the ovaries that produces the oestrogen hormone, obviously none gets produced which stops the womb, uterus and breasts properly forming"

C: So does that mean you needed hormones to go through puberty?
G: "Yeah. I got diagnosed when I was 16 and I pretty much started on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) straight away. There's 5 stages of natural hormone production and my consultant tried to replicate this. The rough dose of oestrogen produced goes 2mg, 4mg, 8mg, 10mg and then 20mg over about 6 years- but as I was already 16 he halved the time length to 3 years. However 20 didn't work for me so he upped it to 30 and luckily my internal organs responded well (baring in mind I'd already had my ovaries removed). However the breasts didn't respond as supposed to I have to have corrective surgery known as breast augmentation"

C: That's horrendous to be going through that at such a vulnerable age, we definitely take that sort of thing for granted and expect puberty to happen... So what happens next for you now? Do you have to take hormones forever?
G: "Yeah it wasn't pleasant! One of the worst things was I used to get ripped into at school about my lack of breasts, which was humiliating and made me not want to do PE or to at least get changed in the toilets. I also used to get picked on because of my weight which can also be a side affect of the condition. Also because I hadn't started my period because of the lack of ovaries people-mainly friends- used to make fun of that. Urm yeah pretty much. I obviously can't conceive naturally so have to have IVF but because of the condition the success rate is a heck of a lot lower. I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to stop taking them, but I'll be on them for the foreseeable future"

C: That's horrible Gemma, bullying is bad anyway let alone when it's related to something you firstly have no control over and secondly, this is obviously something you're having to deal with at that age ANYWAY, without the bully's!
I know it's not great but at least you haven't had the chance of having children taken away COMPLETELY. So- the breast situation how has that affected you? As a woman?

G: "Yeah. It was horrible. I didn't even know I had the condition then so I had nothing to come back with so I kinda just felt like a freak. Yeah exactly normally people with this there's a very high chance that they'll never be able to hold a pregnancy due to the hormones not having the desired effect but fortunately I'm one of the few luckier ones.

Oh gosh, I hate it soo so much. Literally it's on my mind on a daily basis. It even affects intimacy in my relationship. I know I'm getting the corrective surgery (luckily being funded by nhs because of the rarity of the condition) but I still hate it so much. I'm so worried I'm going to get branded as fake or a slut or something because people don't know the reason behind it"

C: So, bit personal but what exactly are you working with there? Because I know so many people that have small or no boobs at all and they aren't bullied? Why you?...

G: "I guess because I was an easy target in school - I was a typical geek - was pretty quiet, didn't wear makeup or fuss with my hair or anything so people just apparently thought it was okay. It doesn't happen so much since I've left school mainly because I wear extra padded bras which again makes me feel fake etc but I just feel so unbearably conscious if I don't, like I can't even leave the house"

C: The main thing is being confident and if that means wearing 3 bras then WERK IT GIRLFRIEND! Your FRIENDSS??? What friends! It's disgusting that your friends who are supposed to be your safety net were the ones making you feel bad about yourself!

G: "Aw haha thanks! Yeah I know that now but I didn't really have any other people to talk to as I was too shy to make any other friends so I just put up with it."

C: Of course and unfortunately we can't go back and change things, but know now that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody is different and this is completely out of your control.

G: "Aw that means a lot to hear someone say that, I just wish I knew everyone else would be that understanding!"

C: What sort of size do you think you'll go up to and do you think after the surgery your confidence will improve?

G: "Oh I have no idea, I haven't had an appointment with a consultant yet, I don't want to go ridiculous size wise, I just want to feel comfortable in my body and actually feel like a woman! And besides it's not about just size, it's shape correction as well which is another reason I feel so conscious about it and I really hope so, my doctor and consultant think it will - it was my consultants idea for me to have it done as he knew how much it affected me, so I do really hope it does"

C: I'm sure it will as it seems that's what has affected you the most. Please keep me posted though I'd love to chat with you through your journey and see if after the surgery you feel different and how different you do feel!

Is there any advice you'd like to give to anyone else that may have this conditions regardless of how rare it is?!

G: "Yeah it definitely has. It was that and how partners would react about me possibly not being able to have children- or at least being able to conceive naturally. But yeah course I will!

Yeah basically just know you're not alone in the struggle and never let anyone use the condition as an excuse to put you down!"

C: Thank you so much Gemma, you've been fabulous!

Maybe you'll come back and do a video with me when you're feeling a bit more confident and we can squash them haters!!

G: Aw no worries, thankyou you for helping to raise awareness I really appreciate it! And if you do ever need someone to talk to about what you're going through feel free to pop up!

Ooh that's an interesting shout, if I feel confident enough I would love to!

I've been researching this condition all morning and it's so rare I'm finding it really difficult to find any information.

I think that just proves how rare it is, it's definitely not a condition to take lightly as you can imagine.

I genuinely sympathise with Gemma and it really does hit home that someone goes through something at a young age and people feel the need to bully them, it's disgusting and something that I don't feel will ever be resolved.

I'm sorry that I can't provide more information on the subject with things like symptoms like I normally do I just really can't find the information! As far as I've read it's just something that they find!

As always,

Smiles and Well Wishes, can't believe it's November already! Time to watch Christmas movies I think!

I NEED TO VENT....

If you read this blog purely for cancer updates or awareness for other cancer you may want to leave this one out because I've got an anger inside of my and I need to get some things out!!

RIGHT... Where to start...

It's about people who have children and don't appreciate them.
This is not about young parents because the stigma along with young parents being the ones who are bad parents is false, in every way.

I know of women who are closer to 40 than 30 and they spend the majority of their time on facebook complaining about their children, MOST of these woman are complaining about the behavior of their children. Now obviously I'm not a parent yet and I have no idea what it's actually like to discipline a child but I know for damn sure complaining about it to facebook isn't doing a damn thing to help, if anything your 14 year old is going to see it and get more wound up, they will rebel, I know because I was 14 once.

Women who complain about stretchmarks when they're pregnant and how much weight they have put on during pregnancy, and it's not just once that they say about it, and it's the women who aren't doing a thing to try and shift the weight. Obviously, none of us know what goes on behind closed doors, that's a big thing especially with subjects like this and I am in nooooo position to say about posting a lot on social media, however, and excuse my francais here but...


A child is fucking blessing and the sooner you realise that the better.
Some women have the right to bare a child taken away from them, and YOU, who didn't even 'mean' to get pregnant in the first place (I put mean in '' because let's be honest we all know how babies are made and if you're doing it you know there's a chance, about time everyone sat up and fucking accepted that) are doing nothing but complaining about your infant for the world to see. 

Children are hard work, they are, but you NEVER give up on your children, because let me tell you feeling like your parents don't care is the WORST feeling in the world, it is heart breaking, as a parent you are genetically programmed to forever be there for those small people who grow inside of you, YOU made the conscious decision to have this baby weather they're 5 or 45 if they need someone you should be first in fucking line to take their hand and take on the world together. Every day, 24 hours through hell and high water.

I have got myself so worked up over this and I could sit here and go on all night but I won't because it will be longer than my Leukaemia blog post. 


I'm going to end this here but just know, if you're a parent and you're reading this, tell you children you love them, RIGHT NOW!!! Tell them how lucky you feel to of been able to have them, maybe tell them the story of how they were conceived, they don't need to details of the deed but if it's lovely, tell them! Tell him you will always be there for them... But here's the most important message of all-

MEAN IT.

Relatable Sisters...

Do you know what? Sometimes you just need someone who knows what you're going through to talk to. Everyone in my life is so supportive and if I need them they're there, however, I'm quite good at hiding how much pain I'm in or how upset I am sometimes so it doesn't seem like I really need them but today American Susie had a chat with me about how I was feeling, she too is 'suffering' from Ovarian Cancer. 

Susie found out 14 weeks ago that she is pregnant, I have met so many people on my journey that are suffering from Ovarian and we have all been given a 'timeline' so basically all of us, when we were diagnosed were either told 'okay this is how long you have to have a baby' or 'actually we're really sorry but your chances of having a baby naturally are so low now' 
Some of the women have been told there's absolutely no chance aswell which is so sad, I was really lucky with mine that they just gave me a timeline and a few options and we work through things and take everyday as it comes. Being a mother is one of the things I have always wanted I don't know weather it had something to do with being the oldest sibling and the oldest cousin or what but I've always felt very maternal.

One of my first thoughts when I got diagnosed was 'Shit that's it I can't have children' but I do have options and I'm so thankful for that. HOWEVER, it has put a massive strain on my personal life knowing that there's a particular time line for things, however, the support I have is so incredible I know I can do anything, I'm basically superwoman hehehe.

So back to American Susie, I feel like Pam from Gavin and Stacey when I say that you know she has names for people like 'Big Fat Sue' and 'Step Brother John' hahaha, she is literally amazing, her and her husband have always wanted children, however Susie was told she only had 6 months to fall pregnant with a safe pregnancy before they unfortunately had to remove both her ovaries. Now I feel a bit pants writing this because I'm not completely clued up on how it works I only know about my own situation I did ask Susie quite a lot of questions but even she is a bit like 'I have no idea how this works but....' So she was told she had 6 months to try and conceive naturally or they were basically pulling the plug on the whole operation, she wasn't allowed to freeze her eggs because her body wasn't allowed to accept the hormone injections you need prior to the eggs being removed.

So they went home and brought lots of things such as: (If you're trying to conceive maybe this will interest you)

• At home sperm kit from boots (To check her hubbys sperm was healthy -She figured they better check that quick otherwise they could try for months and then realise it was him which would be sad! 

• Ovulation Calender - I had no idea these existed like you can BUY calenders to work out when your body will be at it's most fertile time.
• 'This Thing' - (I am going to quote this because... well you'll see) "There is this thing you can buy with loads of pictures of discharge and mucus on it and it shows you what mucus means you're fertile and what means you've missed it and just what it all means so you don't have to scare yourself on google or keep phoning the doctor"- I'm going to leave that there, no comment.
• Folic Acid- a small 1 a day B Vitamin it's an inexpensive vitamin to take whilst you're trying to conceive and in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy to help with foetal development (check me out I sound like I actually know what I'm talking about) 
• Ann. Summers. - Again, enough said.

And literally 5 weeks later she got a positive pregnancy test!!!! Now she's got the CUTEST baby bump it's so cute like... AHHHH! We're making bets at the hospital weather it's a boy or a girl- I'm thinking girl FOR DEFINITE- Although, as a team we have got names for EITHER WAY!

I find it so amazing that they didn't just say to her no sorry you're done they really took every option into consideration and I really don't know if the NHS would've done this 

(This is private healthcare) 

But, we don't really know that so I won't comment anymore on that!

I'm so happy that from this horrendous illness I've got so many positive- I tweeted the other day saying 'Cancer means my life will never be the same again' but I don't think that's a negative thing, WHEN I beat this I will be stronger, I will be kinder, I will be more mindful to other peoples journeys and their struggles and I would've opened the door to myself, I've really had to spend time working on myself through this and I really think it's worked for the better!


CHEERS MY LOVELIES, HERE'S TO THE FUTURE!

Smile everyday because... well, we're bloody lucky to be here.

Determination...

Right, for the last couple of days I've been feeling really sorry for myself and today I decided I've had enough!!
I was helping a friend move into her house and I was thinking about moving and working and money and I realised how determined I am to get my career back on track and have a nice house and have children and watch them grow up.

When I first got diagnosed I was so unaware of the repercussions of treatment, I carried on working for a year all the while doctors and nurses are saying 'quit quit quit it's too much etc' and I just carried on, it wasn't until my cancer spread and my treatment got more intense that I physically couldn't get out of bed that I had to quit, my work were more than understanding and massive shout out to Ian if you're reading this, you were so understanding for so long and I really hope we can work together again in the future.

I got to a point in my life where I was finally happy with everything, I loved my job, like literally loved it I loved everyone I worked with and every aspect of my job I finally felt like I found somewhere I loved! I loved my car, which I've now had to sell, I loved everything I did in my spare time I spent so much time with friends and family. Okay so don't get me wrong my new car is nice and I still see friends and family which is literally amazing but I am soooo missing working, I'm doing a degree in Business Management but it's not work... It's not seeing people and getting dressed for work and doing paperwork and all the things people hate and take for granted on a daily basis. 

So yeah, I guess I've now got to a point where I've got my fight back.

I want to tell you a bit about my day on... Wednesday because I felt like Wednesday was truly lovely. I actually got about 4 hours sleep Tuesday night which is more than I normally get so I was feeling FRESH!! I met my friend Lawrence at 11:30 (he was literally like half an hour late though because he's useless) and it was amazing, I haven't seen him for so long but it was like we'd only seen eachother the week before, we were so close at school he was like my brother so it was lovely to see him again! We also realised a photo we found had been taken EXACTLY 4 years before the day we met-

Then met my friend Aiden, it was his birthday and he was a bit unhappy so I wanted to make the day special, we went to town and got him his first ever BURRITO! Was literally amazing, you know Aiden and I are close because I ate a burrito in front of him, imagine me with guacamole around my face rice on my forehead and shredded beef hanging out the side of my mouth! 

NICEEEEEE!!

Then we went to my house for chats with my grandparents and I sung Happy Birthday to him with a candle in a doughnut-

Then I dropped Aiden back home for a bit whilst I went back to my old dance school for a couple of lessons, it was literally amazing to watch them all, so nice to see my Dance Teacher and everyone who are always a support to me even though I left about 6 years ago! 

Made me think about my competing days and I found this photo from 8 years ago when I came first and moved up a grade I was BEYOND excited! 

After dance I went back to get Aiden and we went for a drive dancing and singing to old school songs having a real laugh then we went off to go to the cinema to watch Fury, I continued to fall asleep on Aidens shoulder for the first half an hour of this man film! Then took Aiden home and went home to relax! 

It was such a lovely day filled with lovely memories and some of my favourite people who do nothing but make me smile it's another one of my reasons to have my fight back!

I am now led in bed watching X-Factor, candles lit and I'm doing a little facial treatment as my poor face is really taking a beating from my treatment- think super dry and spotty and you're on the money!

Please continue to support my blog, share share SHARE, tweet the link and instagram or whatever your tipple is, tag me in it! I would be so very grateful! 

Also, 41 Days until my headshave, if you would like to come to my Charity night where my head will be shaved just give me a message and I'll give you details, please also let me know if you have anything I can add to my raffle or Auction off!

Thank you to everyone who has already been so helpful!!


Smiles and Kisses to everyone,

Leukaemia...

This is a really hard post for me to write, not only because there's a really special little girl I know that is having a really hard week because of this terrible terrible illness.  
She is such a brave little angel who took the time to answer some questions for me which I will write up shortly. 
But also, because 2 friends of mine that I went to school with were also diagnosed, seriously, that's 3 people I know of including myself that have been diagnosed with cancer from my school, my year, they need to get that school checked for un-exploded bombs or something haha.  Joking... But seriously! 

Anyway, this one was harder because when I was chatting to 'Leukaemia Lucy' (that's what she calls herself) I watched as her mummy sat next to her and hung on her every word, and how every answer affected her, there were tears, from both of us, there were smiles, from all of us and one of the nurses even got involved for a frozen sing a long! 

Right so let's get into it, First thing you should know about Little Lucy is that she LOVES Frozen, her friends have told her she's too old to like it, but she loves to sing and she loves to dance and we're always doing mental dances together and when we spoke about my blog she told me 'someone from my school was picking on me for singing frozen and said it's a baby program, right.... so I said, my friend Charlie is 20 and she sings it so it's COOL'

Made me feel great, she thinks I'm the best thing ever haha, I'm making that face that's on the iphone emojis.... 

THAT one hahaha, okay so that's normally used for sexual stuff but... I'm digging myself a hole now, it's meant in a cocky way so just take it like that, yeah? 

So, When I asked Lucy and her mummy all about her Leukaemia, I suddenly felt like I opened a can of worms because there is actually a lot of different types of Leukaemia, which I didn't know at all!

Lucy has Acute Myeloid Leukaemia 

Her symptoms were:

• Sudden drop in weight
• Pain in hips
• Belly pains
• Bruising everywhere, just had to be touched and a bruise would appear, school suspected abuse at home which upset mum a lot.
• Dizziness
• Nosebleeds
• Temperature

Charlie: "Lucy, what affected you the most about being poorly?"

Lucy: "I couldn't go to school, or go out with friends, I was on a lot of pain killers so I forgot where I was all the time. I had to shave my head and a girl at school pulled my wig off at lunchtime. But I thought, she bullied me before so it wasn't because I was bald but just because she is a nasty girl and she would always find something to pick on me for. I don't like seeing mummy upset when I'm in pain either"

(At this point mummy started to cry, as did I because she just thought me a bloody life lesson, the point she made about the bullies was so true and so mature and adult for her)

Charlie: "Wow, Luc you're such a brave girl! Do you feel like you have enough people to help and support you?"

Lucy:" The doctors and nurses are all very nice and I speak to a helper lady a lot (counsellor) and I have a teacher at the hospital she's nice too. My big sister looks after us too, well she tries to make mummy smile mostly."

(Then we agreed I would be her big sister aswell because in Lucy's words 'what's another little sister to my list') 

Charlie: "Do you have any advice to other poorly children?"

Lucy:"I don't know, I think be brave and be nice to nurses and sleep a lot!"

(I totally agree haha)

Charlie: "How are you finding your treatment"

Lucy: "It's okay, it just hurts sometimes or I just want to go to sleep but you've just got to let it go"

Okay so now we've started singing Frozen, obviously, I was Elsa, and we absolutely went on one and I haven't laughed that hard in ages, the little faces she makes are amazing she's so dramatic, she's definitely a star in the making! 

We chatted on about school and how she loves to perform and how much she wants to go to Alton Towers and how she had a boyfriend but he was her best friends, best friend on snapchat so that's all over now- I got some advice about how she gets so many likes on instagram- the tip? "HASHTAGS" hahaha. 

The type of cancer Lucy has is Acute Myeloid Leukaemia-

Symptoms:

• Pale Skin
• Tiredness
• Breathlessness
• High Temperature
• Excessive Sweating
• Weight Loss
• Frequent Infections
• Unusual Bleeding
• Easily Bruised Skin
• Flat red or purple spots on the skin
• Bone and joint pain
• Feeling of fullness or discomfort in tummy

Diagnosis:

• Scans
• Lumbar Puncture
• Genetic Testing

If you would like a little read, here's a link to an NHS page: 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Leukaemia-acute/Pages/Introduction.aspx

RIGHT- Now a little chat from a different perspective, my friend James was diagnosed November 2010, I had a little chat with his mummy to try and get it from another point of view because as I said before when one person has cancer, the whole family do! 

I thought this would be beneficial. 

So- meet Lou!!! 

Charlie: "When James was diagnosed what were your first thoughts?"

Lou: "It was the 15th of November 2010, 1. no no no no 2. I'm numb 3. I can't take this away 4. So scared 5. What's in HIS head 6. What do I say to him 7. Breathe"

Charlie: "How did family life change after James' diagnoses?"

Lou: "Everything changed, I had to stop work, we were living in hospital, for 6 weeks, backwards and forwards daily after that, no money, meals and routines out the window, institutionalized! Shit got real!"

(I am a blubbering mess writing this because bloody X-Factor is on and that Italian matey is singing One Moment in Time by Whitney Houston and this story makes me sad!)

Charlie: "When it all 'sunk in' what steps did you take in order to get James better? Besides the immediately obvious hospital treatment?"

Lou: "James was an inpatient so the hospital 'took over' 100% and took control, which I was glad about. We could only support him, be there, and try to keep him as comfortable as possible during treatment, and keep things as 'normal' as possible during this time... For example taking him to a golf course for an hour,going for lunch if he was well, getting his friends to come round! The talking bit is not easy though when they are a closed book."

Charlie: "I remember you were in around Christmas how was that?"

Lou: "It was horrible! James was allowed home Christmas day but back in on boxing day for an emergency MRI and CT scan he spent Christmas Day afternoon in bed and everyone else tried to act 'normal'... It wasn't normal and I hated it (and them!) and everyone at hospital feels sorry for the 'poorly kids' at Christmas... fake, jolly... f##ked up! I mean, yes, well intentioned, okay to pretend with the younger kids, but for me nothing was different."

Charlie: "Do you have any advice to other mummys?"

Lou: "To other Mums I would say 'there's nothing I can say' Hang in there, be strong and just be there for your child, not all are talkers but that doesn't mean your presence isn't needed, I was told during James' treatment his eyes would follow me everywhere, if I wasn't in the room he wanted to know where I was and when I was coming back, so although he didn't need to talk to me, he still needed ME there." 

I just want to say a MASSIVE thank you to Lou, it can't be happy to talk about the start again but they've all dealt with it so well, Lou is one of them people that will always make time for you, if I ever seem upset on Facebook I'll have a comment or inbox from her with advice, or asking how I am or just making me smile. So thank you Lou, for all that you do!

Check me out, rhyming ;)

Right, next I chatted with my friend Harry (my little buddha) We didn't do a proper question and answers thing he just sorted of re-answered my questions from Lou! Which was actually perfect because you can see the same things from the different views!

1. First thoughts

Harry: "Did I hear that right? Basically a blur after the word 'Leukaemia' for a good few hours. When I finally realised, just more a case of how I can best get on with it, didn't even cross my mind to dwell / get down about it."

2 Family Life

Harry: "Brought everyone a lot closer. Only really spoke to very close family members before, suddenly everyone pops up with nice messages wishing you the best, really helps. Made me really appreciate family for the first time in my life, rather than taking it for granted"

3 From my perspective...

Harry: "The most important thing for me was that I needed other people to help me with the most simple of things. Everyone wanted to come see me at the same time, when I was only allowed 2/3 visitors at a time, so people to help with organisation of that. I needed people to understand although I was pretty relaxed and ok about things most of the time I wasn't always 100% and I would have bad days. Also needed people (mainly mum and dad) to keep track of days, progress, dates, times of next treatments. Just really small things that all are hard to get your head around and remember when your on intensive chemo."

4 Christmas

Harry: "Yeah Christmas was shit for a year, being honest. I had excruciating mouth ulcers so could hardly eat ( the thing I look forward to most about christmas) I had no energy, so slept most of the day, and I was only let out for the afternoon (12-7). Again though in a weird way, makes you really appreciate life/Christmas since."

5 General Advice

Harry: "Its hard to advise on anything like this, everyone is different and deals with things in different ways. I have always tried to find the best of a bad situation, I make light of the bad times and just get on with it, for me thats made everything a lot easier. I can understand that for some people this is almost impossible to do, however its the way I dealt with it and would recommend it to anyone else if possible. At the end of the day, the truth is you cant change anything, why not tackle it head on and enjoy life where you can along the way."

The fact that Harry did that for me WHILST IN HOSPITAL makes me love him so much more, he is an amazing admirable person (sorry just stole your word there as I don't think I've ever used the word admirable before but I love it now) I agree with what he said, 'you can't change anything' so why not embrace the situation?

It feels amazing to get people I know involved, I love it, it's making me get so much closer with people!

Here is some information about ALL which is the type of Leukaemia that James and Harry have:

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia

Symptoms:

• Easily Bruised Skin
• Pale Skin
• Unusual and Frequent Bleeding eg bleeding gums or nose
• Feeling tired and breathless
• Having repeated infections over short amount of time
• High Temperature of 38C or above
• Night sweats
• Bone and Joint pain
• Swollen lymph nodes (glands)
• Abdominal Pain
• Unexplained weight loss
• A purple skin rash

Diagnosis:

• Bone Marrow Biopsy

"To confirm a diagnosis of acute leukaemia, the haematologist will take a small sample of your bone marrow to examine under a microscope.

The haematologist will use a local anaesthetic to numb the skin over a bone – usually the hip bone – and then use a needle to remove a sample of bone marrow. You may experience some pain once the anaesthetic wears off and some bruising and discomfort for a few days afterwards. The procedure takes around 15 minutes to complete and you shouldn't have to stay in hospital overnight.

The bone marrow will be checked for cancerous cells and – if found – the type of acute leaukaemia will be determined at the same time."

A number of other tests including- CT scans, Chest X-Rays, Lymph node biosies and plenty of blood tests! 

Here is a link to an NHS webpage if you would like a little read- 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Leukaemia-acute-lymphoblastic/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Bloody hell, if you've read down to here, you're a trooper, thank you SO much.

Please share this blog, I'd be so so happy if you did because do you know what, we might save a life! It's a massive thing to say but we really could, what if someone if having these symptoms but hasn't acknowledged them as a problem? 

Thank you everyone for your support, 

Lots of Love to you all,