A Million Thoughts...

This post will probably be all over the place but there's a lot of things I need to say.

So this blog is about cancer, obviously, the title gives that all away.
I've never thought to express my feelings about mental health, but today, tonight, I have that feeling.

Mental Health issues are such a 'taboo' subject, no one wants to talk about it, let alone ADMIT to it. 

The only way I can describe my feelings sometimes are like a well, a well that you throw coins into and make a wish? Yep, one of them, I'm in the well, holding on everyday to the top of the well, most days my grip is strong, I have friends and family holding me up and helping me out, then maybe one day I can't see my friends and family anywhere, there's no help to be seen, I'm just holding me there, all by myself. For one second I loose myself and forget that it's only me holding on... and I lose my grip, I let go. 
I start to fall down the well, slowly... Saying it's happening slowly is so important because if I hit the ground quickly, it's all over quickly, but the thing about this well, is it doesn't allow you to hit the ground quickly, it wants you to suffer.

On the way down the well, there are corridors, these corridors show you every bad decision you made in your life, every person who turned their back on you, every argument you had with someone you loved, every bad thing you said that you wished you could take back and every person you pushed away when really, all you needed, was their hand, to pull you back out of the well.

I've been lucky enough to be OUTSIDE the well recently, I'm out there hugging all my friends and all my family everyday, everyday there is someone 'holding my hand'.

However, some nights I'm alone, just me and my thoughts and my thoughts are NASTY sometimes, they talk me into being alone, they persuade me to climb inside the well.
You know when you sit at home on your own and start to over think things? You over analyse everything going on in your life? You feel like nothing is ever going to change?

I have made some horrendous decisions in my life, but then so have people around me, my childhood has affected my life every single day, because, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't make a decision that's influenced by the change in my personality, caused by the way I grew up.

Compared to some people in the world I've been very fortunate and I'm very lucky I have a strong safety net in my grandparents, if ever I'm falling they're there to catch me, through everything. 

But Anxiety is such a personal thing and unless you've had anxiety you will never understand what it's like, to have this hand inside your body suffocating you, I found this image a long time ago and it really speaks to me.

I don't really know what else to say on this matter to be honest, none of my thoughts are structured and make no sense as there are a million rushing through my mind, most of which are worries. 

I just think everyone should be mindful of others, mental illness isn't something to joke about so many times people have said to me 'what's wrong you got bipolar or something?' and it's like YES!!! YES I HAVE AND IT'S FUCKING AWFUL BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW I RESPOND TO THINGS! I wake up every morning having no idea what mood I'm going to be in if I'm going to experience an 'episode' or if I'm going to spend the day crying, biting peoples heads off or buzzing around like a wasp on speed.
It's horrible and there is nothing I can do to change it.

By the way- the WORST thing to say is 'smile then, stop being so miserable'

I'll either cry or rip your head off.

So today I'm not going to say 'Smile' I'm going to say...

Embrace the mood you're in today and pay someone a compliment, it might change their WHOLE day!

Lots of Love,