Personal Use...

I haven't blogged in what feels like ages although I know it was only 6 days ago.
One of them reasons is I feel like I've received more negativity than I thought I would, as I write this I sit with a tight knot of anxiety in my belly and that's all I've had for the past few days, I've had multiple panic attacks and I considered not writing my blog anymore even though I've been talking to some absolutely fantastic people in preparation for a blog I was supposed to write a couple of days ago. 
I knew on some level that I would receive some crap about writing this I knew the 'attention' comments would be thrown around and I thought I was ready for it, but honestly, I wasn't. 
I'm not writing multiple status' complaining because I've got a snotty nose I've been told there's a possibility of dying at 20 years old. 

I'm sorry to be blunt but I feel like those negative people will still be reading this, and they need to know, you DID get to me, you really did. I considered not doing this anymore but now I think, so you know what- SCREW YOU!

I have got SO MANY positive, supportive incredible people in my life you are simply irrelevant now. 
I did feel I needed to write a status... 

Then I got so many lovely messages again it made me feel better.

Then 1 negative person turned into 2, then 3, then that's when it really got to me because I started to keep it to myself. 

I'm really trying not to let them get to me and honestly whilst I've been writing this my anxiety knot in my tummy has started to fade, this blog really does help me!

People need to realise that I really am not writing this blog 'for the attention' or 'using my illness' or anything like that, I'm putting a lot of work into trying to raise awareness, there is a lot going on behind this blog in planning aswell, I'm proud of all of that and I want to help people! 

Okay so first moan out of the way onto the second, MOUTH ULCERS- Ugh! These things are literally a pain in the bottom! It is like Satan has laid small devil eggs in my mouth!

I was really sick today, treatment has made me pretty poorly I'm feeling much better this evening though! 

Kept my room really dark today and the fan was directly on me, TV was off and I just led in bed thinking about so many things it really helped me relax and clear my mind a bit. I really think everyone needs that sometimes, some time away from the world even for an hour, just turn everything off and lay there in silence and just think! 

51 Days until my headshave! It could not come quick enough although I'm sure I won't be saying that on the day, a friend of mine has agreed to film the event itself so hopefully that will be put on the blog! I say it could not come quick enough even if I did freak out the other night and kept my friend Eloise imprisoned in the lounge crying about loosing my identity forgetting the bigger picture!

I'm over that now though! *cringes*

I'm getting a PERM on Friday at my Aunties salon where my friend Kim works and that day they are 'standing up to cancer' which is so amazing and I'm so happy to be going in that day if any tries to sit down... I'll... Well, I may take a whip! ;) 

I guess that's all today for my personal blog I'm going to make a start on my next awareness blog which is all about LEUKAEMIA! 

I'm going to see Ed Sheeran today so I'll be happier! hehehe.

Lots of Love to everyone, sorry to family and friends that have had to deal with me!

Testicular Cancer...

Alright, no pressure, it's my first blog about a specific cancer since I wrote about my own!
As I previously mentioned it will be about Testicular Cancer, after chemo today I went and spoke to 'John Smith' who is someone I met a few months back in hospital, he was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer and here is a small chunk of his story!

John is a 32 year old male with a wife and 2 children, of ages 7 and 5.

Charlie: "Okay John, let's start with how were you diagnosed? What were your symptoms?"

John: "I had no idea about Testicular Cancer to be honest and I didn't know a lot about other cancers either, no one in my family had ever suffered so I had never been exposed to it before, one day I was taking a rare shower with my wife (winks and laughs) and ermmmm she noticed a small lump.... in.... my balls! HAHA I ignored it but she was concerned, she did a LOT of googling and I brushed it off thinking it was a blocked sweat gland or something like that, told her to stop being dramatic and went on about my life for weeks, maybe even a couple of month. I then got a really bad bug and needed a couple of days off work it only lasted a day in the end but the fatigue lasted a couple of weeks after, concerned, I went to the doctors because it started to effect my ability to play with my children, he put it down to my bug and sent me away. A further two weeks passed and I ended up feeling a really tight heavy feeling.. down there, so went back and they sent me straight into the general for blood work and further tests, I stayed in over night and the next day they told me I had cancer"

John and I then chatted for a while about how he was originally sent away much like I was and how we can see why it was done.

Charlie: "What has effected you most about your diagnosis?"

John: "The look, that look people give you when you tell them, like you've just told them your cat has died and you're 5 years old. I understand that it's hard for people to hear, people never understand though, what it's really like until they hear the news from a doctor saying it's you that has it. But also telling my children, telling my oldest daughter was so hard because she seemed to crawl into herself, she's old enough to use the computer so we needed to monitor her more then than ever because she would read things that were open from my wife's research and not understand it so that would make her worry more, it was awful to watch. She also told some of the children at school and came home and said 'Amelia said Daddy's going to die' and I can't sit there and promise her that I won't, THAT is the hardest thing"

Charlie: "Do you feel like you've received enough support from the NHS?"

John: "If I'm completely honest, no. That sounds so selfish aswell because they're giving me the treatment I need to beat this but the support side of it is severely lacking, my wife, the rock that she is has found me the support groups, which yes, being a man I refuse to go to. But the NHS need some volunteers to come in, and chat to people, actually, what you're doing now is really helping, do this full time!" 

Charlie: "What advice would you have for other men that aren't aware of the symptoms as you weren't?"

John: "It sounds weird but listen to your wife, seriously, she reads about this sh*t in cosmo magazine she knows! Don't be afraid to go to the doctors there is a stigma with going to the doctors and it's ridiculous, you don't need to check in on facebook and let everyone know you're there do you? If she looks at a lump and says 'you should get that checked' even if it's just for her piece of mind, do it! They worry a lot more than we know sometimes and why would you want to put the love of your life through that?
Some people catch it too late and that is sometimes through sheer laziness of not getting checked for months on end. GET. CHECKED."


John was absolutely fantastic, we chatted on for a long time but it has no particular structure, he mentioned a charity called 'Ballboys' that raise awareness and also aim to provide support to cancer patients which I think is where we are really lacking, we are all for raising money and standing up to cancer meanwhile cancer patients have to kind of 'get on with it' we don't always want to rely on our family for support because if you have cancer so do your family, it's hard on everyone around you, I know it's hard on the people close to me because they have to deal with my moaning! haha.

Here is a link to Ballboys page, have a read! http://www.ballboys.org.uk/

Symptoms: 

• A lump or swelling, could be the size of a pea or larger
• A dull ache or sharp pain in your testicles or scrotum *see above diagram if you aren't sure ;)*
• A feeling of heaviness in your scrotum that John mentioned
• A sudden collection of fluid in your scrotum
• Fatigue
• A general feeling of being unwell

Diagnosis:

• Physical Examination- this may be what you guys are most afraid of, someone touching round your area! DON'T BE AFRAID- They are most likely to hold a small light or torch up to the lump and see if light passes through it, clever huh?
• Scrotal Ultrasound- this too is painless!
• Blood test- okay so I used to be scared of blood tests but I've had that many now, if you are worried about blood tests (male or female this applies to) ask to be led down, the nurse won't mind I promise, close your eyes and count... yes, sounds weird but just count, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Prevention:

• There is not really a way to prevent testicular cancer but just make sure you check yourself regularly, in a warm shower or bath, check both testis about once a month, hold your scrotum in the palm of your hands and examine your testicles using your finger and thumb! 

Well, that's all from me on that subject, I know that 'John' is reading this so I just want to say, thank you so much for being my first patient, good luck with the rest of your journey and it's bittersweet that I will only see you once more at chemo, look after your beautiful family and take care of yourself! 

Family First...

I spent the weekend just gone in Weymouth with 3 of my sisters and my dad. We had an amazing time and I couldn't of asked for a better weekend, one of the days we sat in and just talked, for most of the day we played this game with a wet flannel where one of us would ask the other a question and if we got it wrong we'd get a wet flannel to the face! 
Although it was a really good weekend I did feel sorry for my youngest sister, because she's 6 and so buzzing to do everything so fast and she always wanted to get up for the party dances in the evening and the sister that's the next in age is 14 so unfortunately she's at that age where she's too cool to get up and do that, then the next age is 16 and she only had access to the outside world in the clubhouse so was catching up with people which meant it was me who got up with her (the others joined in eventually) and I'm there with my world class poker face doing agadoo thinking jesus christ I can literally feel my hip crumbling! (Okay exaggeration but the pain is intense) 

I deserve an Oscar for the smiles I put on to be honest and my best friend tweeted and said she hates people who feel sorry for themselves and I know it sounds like that's what I'm doing but I think it's mostly because as I said in my last post it's only just really hit me. 

So a bit of personal use for this blog- I'm getting to the point now where I just want my head shaved as my hair is not my pal at the moment! My pain is alright at the moment I suppose even though it still throws me that it's in unusual places, obviously I have the pain in my belly that is really bad most days but then I have these pains in my ankles and my right hip and my wrists! I've started doing yoga before I go to bed I'm literally shaking my head at myself because, yoga? Seriously? So I'm no yoga expert and I really don't do it properly it's a bit more like, stretching my body out and calming myself down, bit of breathing slowly and it has started to help with my sleeping. Though if anyone has any advice for sleeping soundly whilst in pain I would really appreciate it! :*

So I started writing this blog this morning, then left it to go about my daily life, had a really REALLY down day today which has left me awake at 1am thinking about how annoyed I am at myself.
Tomorrow is a new day because today I went a met someone who is one of the most important and stable people in my life, this person and I have not always been close, infact, we were the complete opposite of close a few years ago, but now I can't imagine a day going by without her, she is a listener, a shoulder, an expert at hot water bottle refills, a hilarious pal, a fellow friends lover and just all round my soldier (private joke) so today I turn up with the most disgusting, depressed look on my face and she just KNOWS. She just sat there and listened to all my shit and I'm not joking within 10 minutes of talking about some pretty serious stuff, I'm laughing... I mean, really?
It's not even like, that forced laugh you do when you're trying to cover your upset? It's the laugh you do when you realise not being alone in things mean they aren't as bad as they could be.

SO, returning to my previous point tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow (today) is actually an exciting day for me, so I am going to try really hard to have a genuine smile on my face and be thankful, because I am a very very lucky girl, I have amazing friends, incredible family, I have money in my bank, a roof over my head and food in my belly (oh christ, now I'm hungry so I'm clearly lacking with the food part) I am going to try really hard at this even if I do know I will fail multiple times and I am going to be honest about my failures on this blog, because if I'm not honest on here what is the point?

I'm still receiving amazing messages from people which just makes my heart feel so full, warm and makes me feel incredibly loved.

So my positive happy thought of today is:

I saw my friend and she has given me this epiphany to make everyday count! I'm reading through some online forums and to be honest, they are helping. It's reminding me I'm not the only person in the world with this and I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself because, quite frankly, it's boring.

I have cancer, it's not my life, it's just a part of it. 

Also, side note, if you don't like me, yet have read this far on my blog, could I just ask that you aren't a bellend about it? Please only read this if you care or you're interested, I really hope I don't have anyone as my friend on facebook that is not my actual friend, one of the reasons for this blog being published in the first place is because I don't want any false information being discussed, you know EXACTLY what's going on if you read this, so if you're just being nosy that's FINE! Just no negativity please! 

Ed Sheeran is currently playing in my room and just... well, come on, it's E.S- I'm feeling GOOOOOD!

My next post will be about a specific cancer and the first one I will post about, as requested by my Daddy will be Testicular Cancer, there is a gentleman I've met on my hospital travels who has this cancer so I'm going to do a bit of faux journalism with him and make it nice and personal WITH the facts!

Fingers Crossed! 

My Nanny will be picking the next cancer so she better get ready! ;)

Lots of Love to you all, 
Smile and be grateful and thankful for all you have,

It's A Reality Now...

I know this probably sounds strange but I don't think the reality of how serious this disease was really set in until I went to bed yesterday evening, I received an uncountable amount of messages from people- family members who weren't 100% certain about what was happening, people I went to school with and haven't spoken to in years, strangers I don't even know messaging me telling me how 'brave' I am and how much of an 'inspiration' I am, okay so I've put those words in quotations because I'm not feeling them at the moment, I am proud of myself for posting the blog and getting it out there because I have had a couple of messages saying I've already helped people with whatever personal things they're going through. That obviously makes me feel amazing but I'm not ready for the inspiration stuff yet- I haven't raised enough money or awareness for that yet!

I would like to take the time now to thank everyone who read my blog and messaged me, please share it!

I'm going to start writing about the people I meet on my journey because I'm always talking to other patients who have incredible stories and I'd love to share them with you, I've also decided to post a lot more about different cancers, dedicate different posts to different cancers to back up my 'awareness' side of things!

Firstly though, I need to use this for personal use, I've woke up this morning with the worst pain in my hip, when my hip hurts it's so strange because I never had pain there before it really knocks me for six because when you're led in bed you feel nothing, I get up and basically just fall back down- yeah, have a little laugh there picture Charlie trying to get out of bed about 6 times and then just end up sat on the bed cry laughing, I crawled to the lounge and sat eating a chocolate orange!

I feel much better now I've had all my tablets though.

Getting these weird pains is really foreign to me though, wrists and ANKLES??? WTH. 

I really want to talk to someone else with Ovarian Cancer like, everyday. Be like 'Have you kept your hair up in a tight french plait for 3 days because you don't want to see the hair falling out? Yeeeeeeeah me too'

I've got to go and see my nurse in a minute but I'm sat on the sofa writing this, eating MORE chocolate watching Tia and Tamera- 'AVE A WORD CHARLES.

Oh, forgot to mention, if anyone watches Made in Chelsea Binky's mummy tweeted me-

Also, Peter Andre retweeted one of my new twitter friends-

Peter was my first concert performer, I was really young and the ticket was £16 it was a surprise trip and I will never forget it! We're basically best friends now!

Anyway I'm going to go and get ready now because I feel like a sloth I have people to see today, thank you for reading!

Kisses!

The Beginning...

Need to breathe properly just to start with!

Had my godmother come to my house the other day to discuss the Skydive we're doing to raise money for Cancer Research and she encouraged me to properly explain my situation and WHY I've chosen to raise money to Cancer Research and why now.


So, here it goes.

When I was 15 I moved out of my mums house and in with my grandparents, I'd been quite poorly for a while with a lot of abdominal pain and fatigue, after a few trips to the GP they put it down to stress with my home situation and GCSE's etc I had already been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder so me having these 'crazy' outbursts where I'd be screaming in pain they decided to put down to an 'episode'.

But a year down the line, I was studying at college and finding it really difficult as I was in so much pain a lot of the time and had all these symptoms which made it really difficult to get through the day. 

So after going back and forth from the GP and getting diagnosed with 'random' things such as IBS and having multiple Kidney Stones they finally diagnosed me with PCOS- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome 

(Here's a link if you want a bit of a read)

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

So once this was diagnosed I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders it had been almost 2 years since the pain had started and I finally felt like we were getting somewhere. I was prescribed with some strong pain relief for me to take as and when the pain hit me and I was having counselling to try and ease some of the stress.


However, 8 months later I was still really struggling, I had so much time off college poorly that I had to drop out early, I felt so down, like I was completely failing at life, nothing was working.

One day I went and saw a consultant after I'd had a series of tests and he explained to me the possibility of cancer. This word massively scared me and I instantly just thought 'I'm going to die'


At this time my cysts were really playing up, swelling and bursting causing me absolute agony on a daily basis, by this point not only had it affected my education it was affecting my social life too, I couldn't go out much because I'd either be really anxious of pain starting or I'd be in pain trying to hide it (trying to hide pain in public kind of leads to you being a snappy t*at and I ended up getting in a lot of arguments) NOT GOOD.


I felt like no one understood, I was so confused and felt like I had been completely left in the dark, they carried on with tests and I carried on spending everyday in pain. 


I carried on like this until August 2012 when they finally ruled out cancer.

They decided to send me to lots of different specialists to explore all different things down in my belly and try and pin point where the pain was actually coming from. 

Then in July 2013 they did a Laparoscopy which is keyhole surgery to have a look inside your belly, they were checking for something called Endometriosis 

(Another link for a read)

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/endometriosis/Pages/Introduction.aspx

They didn't find any Endometriosis but they did find rather a large tumour, they took biopsies of my cysts and the tumour and I was told they were cancerous.

They found many cancerous cells too.


I am still fighting against Ovarian Cancer which no one knew about, not even really close friends, until very recently, and some of them still don't know now. (So I'm sorry if this is how you're finding out but please message me if you have any questions)

Friday 15th August 2014 after I'd had a small operation on the Wednesday my doctor told me there's not a lot more he can do for me at the moment as my tumour is sticking to my bowel making it difficult.


Treatment has already blitzed my left ovary of cancer and I'm very hopeful that it will eventually do the same to my right. 

I’m still having chemotherapy and unfortunately my hair is now starting to fall out, I’m leaving little party favours wherever I go of clumps of hair (always laughing at this trying to make light of the situation) which means I will be shaving my head soon- my wonderful Auntie Gemma has suggested her shaving her head with me at our charity night to raise more money for the charity.

I’m not allowed to work full time at the moment so planning all these things for the charity is giving me something positive to do with my time, I’m hoping that through all of this negativity the positive at the end of it is that we have, together, raised a significant amount of money for CRUK!

I don’t only want to raise money though, I feel like raising awareness is also as important, not only with ovarian cancer but all of them, for men, women and children, it’s important we all know the warning signs and that no one is afraid to go to the doctors, because if I hadn’t continued going back time and time again I might not know now that I have a tumour growing inside.

I am now trying to do all the things I've always wanted to do- Starting with a Skydive with my godmother Andrea-


https://www.justgiving.com/charlie-annie/


If you could donate I would be eternally grateful! 

Also, finally telling my story, trying to make peace, not wasting anymore time on negativity and arguments and immature feelings. Just doing what truly makes me happy!


I've started writing a bucket list and I'd be grateful for some help with ideas-

If you wrote a bucket list what would be the first 3 things on your list?


I'd love to hear!

This has been really hard for me to write but I'm going to start writing this blog through recommendation of other patients and my nurse I guess it will just be a place for me to air my thoughts and feelings and I suppose a place for anyone who cares to come and see how I am? 

Aaaaaaaaand breathe... 


Lots of Love, Smiles and Well Wishes.